I thought I was in the clear. Less than 5 minutes left before the train leaves and I’m fortunate enough to be sitting on the end of a 3-seater on a peak train home. Nope. Rookie mistake on my part. Never assume you’re in the clear. Ever.
Just before the train is about to leave, I see someone in my peripheral standing next to me. I have my earphones in so I pretended not to pay attention, with the hopes he’ll keep walking, in a last ditch effort to sit with an empty seat next to me. He leaned down into my line of sight, rather than tapping me on the shoulder. So I got up to let him in.
Talk about taking your fucking time. This neanderthal took over a minute to fold his jacket into the size of an envelop, as I stood in the aisle with my laptop in my hands, just awkwardly waiting for this scene to come to an end. It finally did. But luckily the adventures were far from over.
Listen up everyone. If you’re going to show up to the train late (anytime within the 5 minute departure window) and decide to sit in the middle of a 3-seater, then you better be on your best behavior. Cross your legs, cross your arms, because you’re a tardy little fuck who is being penalized for being a loser, so do everything you can to not disturb those commuters who show up on time with your elbows or newspaper.
Well, this guy falls asleep. I’m talking elbows, arms, legs, knees, all up in my business. This guys didn’t give one fuck. He was out. Just sprawled out like he passed out on his couch. At least I assume he was sleeping. But you know how when one of your body parts by happenstance meets another person’s body part, and you just sit there playing human chicken, wondering who will move their body part first? Yeah that was me. And I lasted all of about 3 seconds. Like, c’mon bro, how can you stand to touch a stranger (non-sexually) and not care?
Well, as soon as there was enough room on the train to move, I got the fuck outta there. Just moved to an empty 2-seater right across the aisle, in a passive aggressive attempt to let him know he a barbaric caveman without saying anything. Guess what? He didn’t get the message. And I’m a giant pussy, so naturally I didn’t use my words to let him know.
Well here you go. Fuck you.