Commuter Contempt

Ladies and Gentlemen. Come one! Come all! Introducing the world’s most spectacular fucking vomit ever thrown up!!

Seriously, this vomit is like no other. It’s L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y been sitting at my daily train station for well over a year. It’s survived 2 hurricanes and 3 nor’easters, and it’s not giving up anytime soon. It’s the most resilient vom every regurged. And it’s fucking disgusting.

I remember it as if it were yesterday. Walking from my car to the platform and seeing this

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Yes, of course they are MY cell phones lady. They are literally pressed
against my leg.

This broad gets on the train like a warrior. You can just tell she likes to
make people get up so she can sit down. And then immediately ask them to
move their shit like she’s a boss.

I had my cell phones on the seat right next to me while I’m getting settled
from letting her in the middle seat of a 3-seater. And then she goes “are
those your cell phones?” You fucking know they are my phones chicky-poo.
They are right next to me.You fucking deduce. I didn’t have enough time yet
to grab them as I was getting up to move myself and my bag so you could sit
down. Thank you for hitting me in the head with your jacket as you take
your time getting your things in order.

How am I supposed to react when some douche in a minivan flicks me off? I mean, his life is obviously bad enough to where he voluntarily drives a minivan around. And the funniest part is, he did it like a COMPLETE pussy too.

You know when you flick someone off, you do it with conviction. Whether that be out the sunroof, turning slightly around to flick, or out the window. This giant vagina, he, he flicked me off from his sideview mirror. Yes, from his sideview mirror. With his cunt wife in the car too laughing.

If anyone should be laughing, it’s me. Not only are you a giant pussy driving a minivan, but you’re also driving your wife around. You should at LEAST make her drive your gay ass around. But nope. You drive your wife around in your minivan, flicking people off like a gash from your sideview.

Btw - sweet Rudolph nose and antlers on your Honda Odyssey.

You ever stand or walk behind someone with a backpack that looks like they
just absolutely STUFFED it with a week’s worth of newspaper and mixed
fruit? And these are the same assholes who just whip around with blatant
disregard for all other human beings, meanwhile you’re behind them almost
getting knocked over by their monstrous bag. Well fuck those people,
amiright? If you have that much shit that you need to sit on your backpack
to get it zipped, then you need to invest in some portable luggage. Be the
asshole with the strolly bag, please. At least then you won’t almost take
someone’s eyes out. You’ll just roll over their feet.

To set the stage, every morning I grab an express train to Grand Central in NY, with there being one stop in between. At this one stop, which is predominantly middle-to-upper class assholes, nearly every seat gets taken. So, it goes without saying that I need to strategically pick a seat so as to provide myself with the greatest opportunity of NOT sitting directly next to anyone. Which means, I like to grab the aisle seat of a 3seater. So there’s the background. Oh, I’m also caucasian. This morning was like no other. I wanted the end seat of the 3seater. However, the train was already rather packed, so i knew almost every seat would get taken, and that the middle seats were poised to be completely used as well. Instead of boring you with my thought process, I’ll just tell you what I did. I chose to grab the aisle seat that had an African American sitting in the window seat, who happen to have a bag on the middle seat with his arm on it (a move I just love btw). He didn’t move it for me, so I knew he wouldn’t move it for anyone getting on at the next stop. So here’s my dilemma. I also decided to sit there because I had a very strong feeling that these affluent honkies wouldn’t want to ask him to move his stuff. You know, because of reasons. Whether bigotry, fear, or guilt. Or who knows WTF. Well, my feeling turned out to be 100% right, as we were the ONLY 3seater in the car without someone sitting in the middle. So my question is, am I racist, because I assumed other people would be racist/prejudice? Who is the asshole, me or them? Everybody? Nobody?

So, post the hurricane Sandy I would like to express how impressed I was
with the MTA and Metro-North’s ability to get things back on track (pun
intended) and restore service to those that ride the rails to NYC everyday.
It was business as usual, and business was good.

So you get a free pass until Monday. When you’ll be under the microscope of
contempt!

I honestly can’t believe I just saw what you just did. You brazenly just
tossed your blue gum on the sidewalk. The same sidewalk in NYC that
MILLIONS of people walk down a day. I’m now thinking about where I’m going
to hide your body when I’m done with you.

You think you can just TOSS your gum on the sidewalk and that’s OK? There
are literally garbage cans on every single street corner in midtown you
twat.

I don’t know who you think you are, so let me remind you. You are a walking bag of flesh and bones and I’m a driving bag of flesh and bones…in a metal cage on four wheels.

Look, I’m all for equal pedestrian rights. As long as you’re playing by the rules, so will I. But it you cut across the street when it’s not your turn to walk, and not even show one sign of hurrying the fuck up, then I would like to reserve the right to just blast you with my car door. You need to be taught a lesson, and I would LOVE to be your motherfucking teacher.

I know what you’re thinking, “…this motherfucker aint gonna fucking hit me. Even if he do, I’ll sue.” Well fuck you and your twisted train of thought. Suck a dick, use the crosswalk, and if you’re going to illegally cross, at least put some pep in it. Otherwise you need tire tracks up your back.

Train was stopped for sometime, as a train in front of us had “police activity” (which means it hit someone. And this chick next to me kept sighing, mumbling to herself over and over. Looking at me, while shaking her head. I got the feeling she wanted to strike up a convo, as most people on the train were doing by this time. But I wanted nothing to do with this bitch. I could just tell she was annoying and no one likes her. I’d assume it’s because she habitually sighs over and over again.

Dude, after a long day at work, the last thing I want to hear on my train ride home is some guy playing Words With Friends, and just shuffling away. Seriously, this guy couldn’t find a fucking word in the dictionary. Just “BLOOP!…..BLOOP!….BLOOP!” Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. You’re an inconsiderate asshole sir. How can you not realize that’s just a dick thing to do. ANY sound is too much. Work off that basis, you cunt.

I thought I was in the clear. Less than 5 minutes left before the train leaves and I’m fortunate enough to be sitting on the end of a 3-seater on a peak train home. Nope. Rookie mistake on my part. Never assume you’re in the clear. Ever.

Just before the train is about to leave, I see someone in my peripheral standing next to me. I have my earphones in so I pretended  not to pay attention, with the hopes he’ll keep walking, in a last ditch effort to sit with an empty seat next to me. He leaned down into my line of sight, rather than tapping me on the shoulder. So I got up to let him in.

Talk about taking your fucking time. This neanderthal took over a minute to fold his jacket into the size of an envelop, as I stood in the aisle with my laptop in my hands, just awkwardly waiting for this scene to come to an end. It finally did. But luckily the adventures were far from over.

Listen up everyone. If you’re going to show up to the train late (anytime within the 5 minute departure window) and decide to sit in the middle of a 3-seater, then you better be on your best behavior. Cross your legs, cross your arms, because you’re a tardy little fuck who is being penalized for being a loser, so do everything you can to not disturb those commuters who show up on time with your elbows or newspaper.

Well, this guy falls asleep. I’m talking elbows, arms, legs, knees, all up in my business. This guys didn’t give one fuck. He was out. Just sprawled out like he passed out on his couch. At least I assume he was sleeping. But you know how when one of your body parts by happenstance meets another person’s body part, and you just sit there playing human chicken, wondering who will move their body part first? Yeah that was me. And I lasted all of about 3 seconds. Like, c’mon bro, how can you stand to touch a stranger (non-sexually) and not care?

Well, as soon as there was enough room on the train to move, I got the fuck outta there. Just moved to an empty 2-seater right across the aisle, in a passive aggressive attempt to let him know he a barbaric caveman without saying anything. Guess what? He didn’t get the message. And I’m a giant pussy, so naturally I didn’t use my words to let him know.

Well here you go. Fuck you.

This chick couldn’t give less of a fuck who sees her pee. And she can roll with the punches like the best of them. Like, when she’s taking a piss in public in between two cars, and one of the cars rolls the video camera, turns the headlights on, and starts pulling out. Does that stop this bad bitch from picking up the phone when nature is on the other line? Nope. She tries for fatter, harder streams. that’s what she does.

She sure went for it alright. Flashing vag all over the place. Probably the cheapest piece of vagina these guys have seen in quite some time. And I might have to say, it didn’t look all that bad either.

If I were into kinky peepee play, this would be the first broad I would call. I’d be sitting in the parking lot after every Yankees game all season, just waiting for her to come pee in between my car. I’d propose right there and then. You know, IF I were into water sports.

(Source: nyc.barstoolsports.com)

Found on imgur with the following explanation:

The left lane was closed on my commute this morning, people were still trying to pass before the closure and slowing everything down. This guy pulled into the left lane and went the same speed as the traffic in the right blocking the people trying to cut.

Nothing drives me more crazy than to play by the rules and then sit idly by and watch cocksuckers just blatantly be assholes. Such as this, when you’re in traffic, or getting on the highway in traffic, and some DICKHEAD just blasts on by like the traffic or waiting in line doesn’t mean a fucking thing to them. Well, it does. You get your cunty ass in line with the rest of us bozos and you fucking like it.

There should be a loophole whereby other drivers are able to rear-end the fuck out of them and have it be perfectly legal. Aint a motherfucker around that wouldn’t back that person’s story up.

If you do this. Fuck you.

So this makes this brave motherfucker the goddamn man. Get this man a purple heart for commuting.



Friday. I fucking love you so much it hurts. So being Friday, it was a good day already when I got out of bed, but when I got to the train station, it only got better. I’m talking about free coffee and free muffins. Virgin Atlantic airlines, if you were a giant penis I’d suck you. I’m talking deep deep throat the fuck out your giant hog. And I’m a dude. That’s how much I appreciate you handing me a free cup of coffee in a complimentary travel mug, and a goddamn beautiful corn muffin. You are wonderful. If I traveled more, I’d travel using Virgina Atlantic. Ironically VA was the last airline I used, and hopefully it won’t be the last, because I owe you one. You British, Branson-run, let me scrub the back of your balls, free java dispensing motherfucker. Here’s looking at you kid.

Could something this perfect be organically assembled and caught on videotape? I’m guessing no, but am willing to ride the wave of suspended belief. TF is she grabbing a ticket on foot for? Even if it is fake, she gets an A for acting. Get this chick an Emmy. An Emmy is what actors get for pretending to be real right?