Commuter Contempt

If you breathe oxygen, pee from your genitals, and spend every day wondering what will happen to you when you die, then you are 100% human. And if you are human, there is a high probability that during your work commute you want absolutely nothing to do with being in close proximity to another homo sapien.

There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, if you enjoy other people’s company while you are trying wake-up with your morning cup of Joe and paper, or relax with a cold one on the way home and read your NY Post, you are not only an anomaly, you are an asshole.

So in an effort to not be an asshole myself, I will cut to the chase.

Up until now we have established that you are a living breathing person, or just a really smart monkey with internet access. Or just stuck somewhere in between. So I’m going to toss your simian-ass some nuggets that I have managed to break off during my lengthy history of traveling the New Haven Line of MTA from Connecticut to New York City every work day. It’s a real pleasure of a time, I know. But at least I am passing on some science, and not hoarding that shit like the self-conscious fat lady in Accounting holding onto company secrets. And lots of calories.

Before moving on, please note that there is no secret sauce here, just actions that could improve your successful of human evasion. Similar to hedge fund managers, past performance is no guarantee of future results here. Heed that shit bitch.
There are several paths to take. Most are hairy routes, with jagged rocks and slippery cliffs. And the others are slightly inclined walkways that suck and take forever, but could be worse.  Choose your strategy based on your personal commuter profile.

Let’s set the scene first. On the MTA train, you have only a few choices of seating arrangements. They include:

• 4-seaters,
• 3-seaters,
• 2-seaters,
• solo-spots, and
• standing –room

If you can get a solo-spot, hold on to that motherfucker like Michael on MaCauley’s balls. Sit your ass down, and forget the fact that there are no windows. Because it doesn’t matter since you got yourself a pimp spot, from where you can rock your iPod, laptop, paper, book, or sleep your ass off. They are tough to come by, since there are only two on each car. Consider this the Park Ave, Broardwalk real estate.

4-seater: where 2 seats face 2 seats. Nothing more to say than, don’t. Unless they’re completely empty, then it might be nice to put your feet up. But steer clear at all other times.

3-seater:  Overall, it’s a risky location. A good spot if you are sharing it with only one person who is on the complete opposite end as you. Or it could be great, if you are by your lonesome, and able to stretch out, fluff up a jacket pillow and zonk out. Or it could be just hell, if you get the inside and some asshole sits down in the middle rendering you mostly helpless.  I would recommend rolling the dice based on the human traffic of your train. Never been on this particular train before? Find out if it’s a peak hour ride, or off-peak. If it’s peak (rush hour), you have about a 50/50 shot of not having someone directly next to you. If on an off-peak, that figure could be closer to 90%. Also find out if it’s local or express. Locals take longer and have more people getting on and off, making seat open up and close faster and a lot more often. Express trains are much shorter of a ride, but you are stuck with the results of your seating equation for almost the entirety of your ride.

2-seater: Sit here and you are almost guaranteed to have a seating companion riding with you. It’s not that horrible of a situation, but it’s not ideal. If it’s a peak ride, you could put your odds close to 87% of having someone to your side. Off-peak, you are looking at closer to 50/50.

Standing Room Only: Sucks, and should be avoided at all costs. That is, unless you have a ride that is less than 20 minutes. Chances are you will be standing most of the time, or at least until someone gets up to get off their stop.
Now that you are familiar with the surroundings, you must now familiarize yourself with the types of passengers you will encounter on the train:

• Business folk
• Fat people
• Tourists
• Travelers with baggage
• Ghetto people
• People with kids

There might be more, but for the sake of time, and my intention to commit minimal effort to this, the above list is what you’re getting.

Business people:

For the most part they’re professionall travelers. They are close to perfect travelers, aside from the shitty few that yam on cellies or  take up too much space and annoy you with their BlackBerry elbows. It would behoove you to not only sit near them, next to them, and learn a thing or two. Shit your mouth, bring something to occupy your time, and then get the fuck off. Commuter Grade = 4.5

Fat People:

Fatties are wildcards. They are only of value when sitting window-seat in a 3-seater. Why? Because they’re legs and most likely bags, spill all over the place. Making passengers arriving after you weery of sitting in the middle due to a lack of space. But be careful, this could blow up in your face, big-time (pun intended).If some asshole calls bluff and sits in the middle, all that leg spillage will directly impact you, reducing your traveling area by at most, 20%. It’s ties like these that I would say, get up and stand. It just aint worth it to stay there. Or if you got some seriously balls, tell the late arrival that “things just working out. You have to go.” Commuter Grade = 3.7

Tourists:

These idiots will usually take the 4-seater. Let ‘em have it. If you walk on, and see a bunch of “I Love NY” t-shirts sitting there with balloons, go to the next car, or as far away as you can. They will BLAB about their day, and how tired they are, and how much fun they had, and how slow the ride is taking. You just don’t need this aggravation. Steer clear. Commuter Grade = 1

People with Baggage:

Akin to the fat riders, people with bags can be  leveraged for good. But unlike fatties, they sit, normally in the 4-seater. And if they do grab a 3-seater, they’ve more than likely taken up all your overhead space. But if they have some overflow on the seat, that’s a good sign. Other passengers are reticent to ask someone to move their shit. Utilize this. Commuter Grade = 3.9

Ghetto People:

They’re loud. Don’t give a fuck. And will go out of their way to ruin your ride. They are a direct descendant of the tourist. They’ll also complain a ton, and arue with the conductor about train fare. When you get the feeling you are in their presence, get away. Commuter Grade = 0.5

People With Kids:

Very rarely do you encounter well behaved kids. And even when you do, it’s just uncomfortable. They take up less space, but can be, and usually are, fucking annoying. Especially if they’re tourists with their family, forget it. Go two cars ahead. And if they’re ghetto tourist kids, take another train. Commuter grade = 1.5.

Conclusion

You are fucked.

All in all, you probably have a better shot of hitting a roulette jackpot than having a flawless train ride home. You just have to take it for what it is, and use people’s annoyances to your benefit. And if you got an MP3 player, just find a comfy seat and crank the tunes. Even though you run the chance of being ‘that douche”, hey, it’s your ride home. No one else’s.