Commuter Contempt

Bro, c’mon. You’ve got yourself a Tapout hat. What homeless dude has a Taput anything? And it’ snot like you’re a dirty fuck, with a dirty beard, saying crazy things. No. Your beard is somewhat overgrown, but nothing out of the ordinary. And you have a nice Swiss Army bag. You’re fake as shit brah and I’m on to you. And I know you’re so happy that the weather is beginning to turn cold, because all these other suckers out here will feel bad for you. But not me. I’m not feeling bad for no one. And that includes you.

Gothamist reports:

Last week after the surprise resignation of MTA chairman Jay Walder, an MTA insider told us that among the many reasons he was leaving was the bleak promise of either more fare hikes or service cuts in the next two years. And today, the MTA announced their five-year financial plan, which will include two fare hikes in 2013 and 2015, avoid service cuts, and bring “fragile stability” to the MTA, according to Walder.

Walder presented the new plan, which he projects will save the MTA a total of $799 million by 2015, to the MTA’s board earlier today—you can read a Tweetcap of it here. They don’t specify how much individual rates will go up, but both fares and tolls will be raised by a combined 7.5 percent. The last 7.5 percent hike, enacted at the end of last year, pushed the cost of monthly MetroCards from $89 to $104.

See that little rather large red section of the cute chart above? Yeah, that money needs to come from somewhere. So in between raising debt and shit, the ticket prices will be going up. Money doesn’t grow on trees homeboy, but it’s made of trees. Which means, you’ll be footing the bill, you loyal customers of MTA who have put up with the poor service, shitty cars and other various tomfoolery for way to Goddamn long.

There cannot be a more insanely ridiculous way to die. Let’s break this down a bit. A man was MURDERED, because there was some macho bullshit over where a giant ball of metal with rubber wheels was parked. The dudes in the van even left, THEN CAME BACK. They must have been stewing in that car. Their conversation must have been so incredibly absurd, as they decided that they must go back and shoot those dudes. It’s shit like this that makes me hate everyone.

Your eyes do not deceive you. That IS $2.75 for tall boy of Coors; amongst other domestic beers. Tall boy = 16oz. You can’t get that kind of love anywhere else. If you commute in and out of Grand Central Terminal, you know this already.

Has there ever been a more “typical” police sketch? If they showed his lower half he would be holding a hookah whilst sitting on a magic carpet. But what did our friendly sketch man “allegedly”  do to deserve such a portrait? Only something not so nice, of course.

A knife-wielding cabby tied up and raped a young female passenger in the back seat of his yellow taxi in Brooklyn, police sources said last night.

The 26-year-old victim’s nightmare began early Friday after a night of drinking at Public Assembly on North Sixth Street near Kent Avenue in Williamsburg.

After hailing the cab and asking to be taken to her home in Manhattan, the intoxicated victim fell asleep, the sources said.

When she came to, her hands had been bound with a scarf and the driver was raping her.

The cabby then took the victim’s cellphone and $20 and pushed her out of the vehicle at Rodney and South First streets, cops said.

Now, I might be a natural born skeptic, but this sounds to me like someone needed attention and filed a totally bogus, and totally made up report with local police. I’m calling it right now. I will give it one week before we hear that she made the whole thing up. So the guy wants some ass, AND a cell phone? C’mon. She just went slightly over the top with all this shit. The photo looks like EVERY OTHER cab driver in NY. I need to see the results of the rape test.

She walked a few blocks and reported the attack to police.

The woman was taken to a hospital where she was treated for facial and hand cuts.

The driver was described as in his early 40s and approximately 5-foot-8, cops said.

A Taxi and Limousine Commission spokesman said no suspect has been identified, and declined further comment.

If she smelled of booze, case closed. It’s false. She fell down, lost her cell phone and felt like a loser. That is just MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION. Which normal turns out to be correct. Always.

Train grinds to a halt at Larchmont stations during rush hour Wednesday morning. Do you have a Metro-North commuter horror story to share?

Do you have the fucking time honey? I’ve got tons.

Peep the photos in the article from which the above quote was taken. We’re just a bunch of sad saps.

If you breathe oxygen, pee from your genitals, and spend every day wondering what will happen to you when you die, then you are 100% human. And if you are human, there is a high probability that during your work commute you want absolutely nothing to do with being in close proximity to another homo sapien.

There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, if you enjoy other people’s company while you are trying wake-up with your morning cup of Joe and paper, or relax with a cold one on the way home and read your NY Post, you are not only an anomaly, you are an asshole.

So in an effort to not be an asshole myself, I will cut to the chase.

Up until now we have established that you are a living breathing person, or just a really smart monkey with internet access. Or just stuck somewhere in between. So I’m going to toss your simian-ass some nuggets that I have managed to break off during my lengthy history of traveling the New Haven Line of MTA from Connecticut to New York City every work day. It’s a real pleasure of a time, I know. But at least I am passing on some science, and not hoarding that shit like the self-conscious fat lady in Accounting holding onto company secrets. And lots of calories.

Before moving on, please note that there is no secret sauce here, just actions that could improve your successful of human evasion. Similar to hedge fund managers, past performance is no guarantee of future results here. Heed that shit bitch.
There are several paths to take. Most are hairy routes, with jagged rocks and slippery cliffs. And the others are slightly inclined walkways that suck and take forever, but could be worse.  Choose your strategy based on your personal commuter profile.

Let’s set the scene first. On the MTA train, you have only a few choices of seating arrangements. They include:

• 4-seaters,
• 3-seaters,
• 2-seaters,
• solo-spots, and
• standing –room

If you can get a solo-spot, hold on to that motherfucker like Michael on MaCauley’s balls. Sit your ass down, and forget the fact that there are no windows. Because it doesn’t matter since you got yourself a pimp spot, from where you can rock your iPod, laptop, paper, book, or sleep your ass off. They are tough to come by, since there are only two on each car. Consider this the Park Ave, Broardwalk real estate.

4-seater: where 2 seats face 2 seats. Nothing more to say than, don’t. Unless they’re completely empty, then it might be nice to put your feet up. But steer clear at all other times.

3-seater:  Overall, it’s a risky location. A good spot if you are sharing it with only one person who is on the complete opposite end as you. Or it could be great, if you are by your lonesome, and able to stretch out, fluff up a jacket pillow and zonk out. Or it could be just hell, if you get the inside and some asshole sits down in the middle rendering you mostly helpless.  I would recommend rolling the dice based on the human traffic of your train. Never been on this particular train before? Find out if it’s a peak hour ride, or off-peak. If it’s peak (rush hour), you have about a 50/50 shot of not having someone directly next to you. If on an off-peak, that figure could be closer to 90%. Also find out if it’s local or express. Locals take longer and have more people getting on and off, making seat open up and close faster and a lot more often. Express trains are much shorter of a ride, but you are stuck with the results of your seating equation for almost the entirety of your ride.

2-seater: Sit here and you are almost guaranteed to have a seating companion riding with you. It’s not that horrible of a situation, but it’s not ideal. If it’s a peak ride, you could put your odds close to 87% of having someone to your side. Off-peak, you are looking at closer to 50/50.

Standing Room Only: Sucks, and should be avoided at all costs. That is, unless you have a ride that is less than 20 minutes. Chances are you will be standing most of the time, or at least until someone gets up to get off their stop.
Now that you are familiar with the surroundings, you must now familiarize yourself with the types of passengers you will encounter on the train:

• Business folk
• Fat people
• Tourists
• Travelers with baggage
• Ghetto people
• People with kids

There might be more, but for the sake of time, and my intention to commit minimal effort to this, the above list is what you’re getting.

Business people:

For the most part they’re professionall travelers. They are close to perfect travelers, aside from the shitty few that yam on cellies or  take up too much space and annoy you with their BlackBerry elbows. It would behoove you to not only sit near them, next to them, and learn a thing or two. Shit your mouth, bring something to occupy your time, and then get the fuck off. Commuter Grade = 4.5

Fat People:

Fatties are wildcards. They are only of value when sitting window-seat in a 3-seater. Why? Because they’re legs and most likely bags, spill all over the place. Making passengers arriving after you weery of sitting in the middle due to a lack of space. But be careful, this could blow up in your face, big-time (pun intended).If some asshole calls bluff and sits in the middle, all that leg spillage will directly impact you, reducing your traveling area by at most, 20%. It’s ties like these that I would say, get up and stand. It just aint worth it to stay there. Or if you got some seriously balls, tell the late arrival that “things just working out. You have to go.” Commuter Grade = 3.7

Tourists:

These idiots will usually take the 4-seater. Let ‘em have it. If you walk on, and see a bunch of “I Love NY” t-shirts sitting there with balloons, go to the next car, or as far away as you can. They will BLAB about their day, and how tired they are, and how much fun they had, and how slow the ride is taking. You just don’t need this aggravation. Steer clear. Commuter Grade = 1

People with Baggage:

Akin to the fat riders, people with bags can be  leveraged for good. But unlike fatties, they sit, normally in the 4-seater. And if they do grab a 3-seater, they’ve more than likely taken up all your overhead space. But if they have some overflow on the seat, that’s a good sign. Other passengers are reticent to ask someone to move their shit. Utilize this. Commuter Grade = 3.9

Ghetto People:

They’re loud. Don’t give a fuck. And will go out of their way to ruin your ride. They are a direct descendant of the tourist. They’ll also complain a ton, and arue with the conductor about train fare. When you get the feeling you are in their presence, get away. Commuter Grade = 0.5

People With Kids:

Very rarely do you encounter well behaved kids. And even when you do, it’s just uncomfortable. They take up less space, but can be, and usually are, fucking annoying. Especially if they’re tourists with their family, forget it. Go two cars ahead. And if they’re ghetto tourist kids, take another train. Commuter grade = 1.5.

Conclusion

You are fucked.

All in all, you probably have a better shot of hitting a roulette jackpot than having a flawless train ride home. You just have to take it for what it is, and use people’s annoyances to your benefit. And if you got an MP3 player, just find a comfy seat and crank the tunes. Even though you run the chance of being ‘that douche”, hey, it’s your ride home. No one else’s.

Via CBS Local NY:

Fuck these incredulous mothercluckers. In my honest, they do not give a flying fuck. Sure, some dude sitting in a warm office making schedules MIGHT, but not the people on the ground making decisions about how to rectify a situation. Sometimes, they manage to prepare and deliver, however that is extremely rare. Well, now they asses are gettin’ sued!

Now, a Manhattan lawyer representing some of those stuck on that train is suing the MTA over the incident.

“I really wish that the MTA had been fair with these people, had been prepared,” says Manhattan attorney Aymen Aboushi.

Aboushi, who grew up in Brooklyn and says he still rides the A train, wants the MTA to come up with a plan to prevent this from happening again.

Aboushi says, “The MTA, once they were stuck, didn’t afford them any water, any supplies, any food. There was no heating and you have to keep in mind that this train was above ground. It’s not like they had to dig deep in the tunnel to get to it.”

Aboushi says it was a hostile and unsanitary environment, with people’s limbs becoming numb and some having to relieve themselves in between train cars.

The MTA has not returned a call for comment.

Of course they haven’t returned their calls. They can’t figure out how to get trains to run on time, or how to make credit card purchases available on the train. Their rotary phones are probably just too technologically advanced for them to figure out.

“Get the fuck off of him!” - Annoying girlfriend

Ladies, if your man ever gets in a fight, do yourself a favor. Just shut the fuck up.

If you REALLY want to help him out, go get someone big to help your cause, or something big and heavy to smash on the other guy. OR, just shut the fuck up. Otherwise you’re just going to get in the way of whatever is going to happen anyways. AND you just might piss the guy off that’s beating your dude’s ass off so much that he kicks you or something. When testosterone gets pumping, all bets are off. I’m not saying it’s okay to get her the fuck out of the way by any means; but i can understand it.

Hat tip to barstool.

Which is what I asked you after you started out up the escalator with your giant, oversized bag of shit you were carrying at your side that you decided to fling over your shoulder just as I was walking past. Asshole.

Time to go fuck yourself!!!  This little bitch was staring at me the entire train ride home.  I know, I know, don’t look at the ridiculous marketing effort by the NY Jets then.  But a little Asian child??  Asians rarely even play football!  AND the Jets suck!  Just like their marketing efforts…