Commuter Contempt

Real or fake. Who really cares anymore. Amirite?

“Lemme just grab my chainsaw…because I have a chainsaw…because it’s my job”

“Lemme just stop this cab in the perfect spot to tape…because I had my camera out…because I’m a blogger”

Sorry it took so long to publish this video. It’s been a bitch cleaning the chunks out of my keyboard.

Thank fucking God this video is blurry as shit (pun intended as fuck), because this is just ri-goddamn-diculously nasty. Dude’s just walking around with a healthy portion of feces just splatted on the back of his stone-washed jeans.

I kept wondering, just how does this end? He sits on the subway, smearing the poopie all over the place. Granted, he’s drunk as fuck and most likely won’t have a recollection. So, the worst he experiences is waking up with dry, crusted shit all over his jeans, presumably his floor, and definitely somewhere else on his body. Which means, this fuck got off lucky. A quick shower, and a trip to the dumpster to dispose of his clothes and he’s right back where he started. Looking for  booze.

Link is here.

I just kept waiting for an I-beam or something to just take his ass out. Seriously, just waiting. Unfortunately, I was greatly disappointed.

I have to say, I’ve always wanted to know the deal. Like, when DO you pull the emergency brake? What is the best way to save someone on the tracks? Well read on bitches. A conductor spoke out on Reddit, and Gothamist aggregated all the good stuff (naturally):

Do you ever see mole people? I haven’t seen them in person, but I have seen some “dens” in the tunnels, nowhere near stations. Pray you don’t ever need to be evacuated through an emergency exit…I sure as hell do!

What’s with pointing up when you stop at a station? We’re pointing at the conductor’s indication board, which is a zebra-striped sign. If the sign is in front of my window, it means that the entire train is on the platform. They don’t trust us to just look (see that other question about zoning out), so required procedure is to point to it at every station before we open the doors.

The absolute biggest violation a conductor can make is opening the doors where there isn’t a platform. If that ever happens, the first thing supervision is going to ask you is “did you point to the board?”.

Is ‘sick passenger’ really a code for suicide attempt? No, sick passenger is code for “dead customer ON the train”. Often times it actually IS a sick passenger though - sick usually refers to some kind of bodily injury, rather than someone puking or passing out, and the delays are mainly from the MTA doing an investigation to cover their asses when that customer eventually files a lawsuit.

“Police investigation” is the code for a suicide by train. Service will be disrupted for about a half hour, usually. I’ve seen it mess up things for as long as 3 hours though.

What’s the best way to a) get help if someone is sick or being attacked and b) when DO you pull the emergency brake? a. On the newer trains, every car has an Emergency Intercom. Press the button and wait for the light to turn on and you can speak to the conductor. Let me know there’s a sick passenger and I will radio for EMS to meet the train at the next station. Note that these intercoms are for EMERGENCIES, not for asking directions. Furthermore, everything spoken on them gets recorded.

On the older trains, come to the middle of the train, or wave/shout to me from your door at the next stop.

b. The only time the emergency brake should EVER be pulled is if a customer is in danger of being injured/killed by the moving train (their tie is stuck in the door, etc), or if a parent and child get separated due to the closing doors.

FACT: on the newer trains, once the train is 1000 feet outside the station, all that pulling the emergency brake will do is set off an alarm in my cab, so that we can bring the train to a controlled stop. This is because there is almost no reason why a customer would need to activate the brake between stations, and too many of them pull them for the wrong reasons. Activating the emergency brake guarantees that the train will be stopped for at least 8 minutes, as a full investigation needs to be performed and there is a penalty timer before the train can be recharged.

What’s your favorite line and train car as a conductor?The 4 train. 1 hour end to end, not many stations (only 5 stations in Brooklyn!), and Manhattan is a breeze since there’s a big turnover of customers at just about every station. The only time I ever do any work on that line is in the Bronx, and even there, at least every station is straight, which makes it much easier to see what is happening at the ends of the platforms.

The newer trains have their pros and cons, but I prefer them. It’s less work for me to do, and is easier on my throat, but some of the technology (the manual PA and intercom) never works right, and the pre-recorded announcements and doors are much slower, so it’s harder to keep things paced.

The taking of pelham 123.. original or the remake? They both have their merits. I think the remake did a nice job bringing the story into the 21st century, but the acting and script was much much better in the original.

If, god forbid, I fall onto the tracks or someone I am willing to risk my life for falls into the tracks and is knocked out - and a train is coming (lets say 30sec away) - what should I do? Are those pits between the rails by the platforms made for people to hide in in a worst case scenario? The best thing you can do is run as far down the platform as you can (in the opposite direction from where the train enters the station) and wave your arms frantically to get the train operator and passenger’s attention. Believe me, the passengers WILL be doing the exact same thing, as nobody wants to see you get run over and their train get delayed. If you can get to the far end of the platform, it gives the train more room to stop, and there is a ladder at the end of each platform where you can climb back up — do NOT try to climb up from where you are. So many people have been killed trying to jump back up rather than getting away from the entrance end of the station.

Do NOT trust the pits between the tracks —- they are often right next to the third rail which can be just as dangerous (and note that the wooden planks are not designed to hold a human’s weight - they are there to protect the energized rail from drips and weather) and the train operator is less likely to see you if you’re in there. And don’t duck under the train, because most stations do not have enough clearance for the average human. And do NOT jump down onto the tracks to try to save someone else. The best thing you can do is run on the platform towards the tunnel where the train enters so you can get the operator’s attention sooner. Waving your arms over the tracks will tell the operator to stop immediately.

So, from a conductor’s mouth, the safest way to save someone on the tracks is to not go on the tracks and save them. You are more likely to die, and let the other person die, if you do. Shiiiiiiiiiit. Consider my mind blown. Run to the furthest end of the tracks and get the conductor’s attention.

Normally I’m all like, “cops are dicks.” Well watching this fucking video you start to see why. They have to put up with TONS of complete bullshit. Take this video for instance.

From the videographer (courtesy of Animal):

Happened around 9:40pm on Friday, October 7th in Harlem below the 125th street and Lenox Street 2/3 station. These girls allegedly jumped the subway turnstile to avoid a fare. When the cops entered the train and tried to talk them out. It didn’t work. They began to force them out and this is what happend next. Not sure if you can fully see but there was a gigantic mob of people who had the cops/girls surrounded. Some seemed to be protesting the cops and others where if favor of the police action. From my vantage point it seemed like the girls were completely in the wrong, but I can’t be sure. It seemed like forever for back up to arrive but as you can see it wasn’t really that long. This happened FAST. Not sure what happened after.

So, long story short, the reason for this skirmish is because these bitches jumped the turnstile. Meaning, they broke the law. Also known as, they’re in the total wrong. So what do they do? They fight the cops. Most people would run, or just accept the fact they got busted for some shit they did do wrong. Nope. Not these bitches. They go all “this shit aint fair” mode. Wrong. Eat your fucking desserts.

Gothamist makes us privy:

No amount of “Park(ing) Days” can mask the ugly truth that locating parking in the city is the worst—and going to a garage is an admission of defeat most drivers will do anything to avoid. So when one Park Slope resident’s car broke down on her block, she was relieved that her car was at least sitting in a legal spot in front of her neighbor’s house. But the neighbor wasn’t happy when the car sat there for two weeks, as the note above, which was left in the car’s windshield, suggests. You can read the whole account of their argument here, but here’s the real question: who is acting more passively-aggressively between the two?

NY Times is telling us the MTA is now making cell phone service available on subway platforms.

The deployment is extremely limited: only four stations in the Chelsea neighborhood on the west side of Manhattan. The initial launch, which acts as a pilot program for a wider rollout of service across the New York subway system, will occur at the C and E platforms at 23rd Street and Eighth Avenue; the A, C, E and L platforms on 14th Street and Eight Avenue; the F, M, and L platforms at the Avenue of the Americas and 14th Street; and the 1, 2 and 3 platforms at the Seventh Avenue station, also on 14th Street. Verizon Wireless and Sprint Nextel customers won’t be able to get the service.

Sure, it’ll be nice to check your email, update your Facebook status or text your homies. BUT you WILL get an influx of people being annoying, even more annoying than usual, because you’ll get the “WHHHHAAAAA??? HUHHHHH??? NAH, I”M ON THE PLATFORM WAITING RIGHT NOW!! WHAAAAA? HUHHHHH?? I SAID PLATFORM!!!” People are assholes when in public. But when they’re on a cell phone, they become cunts.

NYC’s MTA sucked a giant, fat, expensive cock when Irene came to town. To the tune of over $110 MILLION dollars. And you thought they were looking to raise prices before?

Last month’s tempest cost the cash-strapped transit agency $110 million in operating and repair costs, officials said yesterday.

About half that money — $50 million — is needed to fix Metro-North’s Port Jervis line, which suffered such extensive damage that it won’t be fully repaired for trains until next fall.

The MTA spent another $10 million on shuttle buses to ferry passengers while the line was down.

The storm also cost the MTA an additional $50 million in operating costs.

Yowzers. That sucks. But you know what else sucks?

That figure includes lost subway and toll fares, as well as massive overtime costs incurred in shutting the system down in preparation for the storm.

Aint no one going out of the house in a storm motherfucker. And besides, you shut down the subways and most transportation lines. So shut your face and take your lumps like a man.

Gothamist discusses NYC etiquette for tourists. Pay the fuck attention people. This is like a lifer telling you how to handle jail on your first night.

• Don’t say you’re “from New York” when you’re from New Jersey or Long Island. There are very nice parts of New Jersey and Long Island; some very nice people live there. But this is not Boston—you don’t get to say you’re “from New York City” if you’re from slightly outside it. If your prevarication is discovered, this is a quick route to contempt.
• Never ever ever EVER refer to the city as “the Big Apple.” If you say this, you are a tourist, and a clueless one at that. Using the phrases “only in New York!” and “a New York minute” falls in the same category, but they may be used, sparingly, by long-time residents, with a heavy dose of irony.
• Don’t wear “I Heart NY” t-shirts, or indeed any article of clothing that mentions New York in any capacity, with the exception of gear supporting a sports team.
• When you get on a bus or step up to a subway turnstile, have your change or MetroCard ready. There’s a special circle of hell devoted to people who waste 20 seconds of everyone else’s time with their fumbling.
• Don’t ask people where you can find good “New York Pizza.” In New York, it’s just called pizza… do not say you prefer Chicago, New Haven or (God help you) California pizza. This is a direct route to a heated argument.
• New York eats late—don’t propose dinner earlier than 7 p.m. unless the other party has kids. People won’t hate you for violating this, but they may give you a strange look.
• DO NOT eat at Olive Garden, TGIF’s, Macaroni Grill or anything else you can eat at home.
• This may seem like a no-brainer, but I’ve encountered it way too often: if you are a tourist, don’t bring up 9/11.
• Perhaps less of a faux pas and more of a pet peeve; don’t ask “What’s a good restaurant?” or “What’s a good hotel?” There are literally thousands of restaurants and hotels in New York, many of them good.
• This one is absolutely vital—don’t interfere with others’ privacy. New York is a very crowded place. The way people deal with it is to create their own space. Thus, what outsiders often see as aloofness and isolation is, in fact, a sign of community; there is a shared ethos that everyone respects others’ privacy and expects others to respect his own. This is chiefly communicated through eye contact. If you stare at someone on the subway: if you linger in looking out your window into someone else’s bedroom; if you react to or interrupt a celebrity; or if you seem to be intentionally listening in to another’s conversation, you are violating one of New York’s most sacred unwritten rules. Keep yourself to yourself, buddy, and let others do the same.
• Skipping / omitting “the” in “the Bronx.”
• Do not touch a stranger’s kid.
• Don’t fake a New York accent.

I’m all for the “If you see something, say something.” Because hey, why the fuck shouldn’t you. But I would like to propose a slight change, and I think it might be more accurate, and attention grabbing. Instead of saying it was “left by accident”, I say it be changed to, “left by some inconsiderate asshole.” Because only assholes leave their stuff on the train. Or stupid people. Stupid people do that too. Or people who are normal. Because everyday normal people do that too. You know what? Fuck it. Just leave the Goddamn ad as is. Forget I said anything.

Quite a shitshow at Penn Station last evening. Due to mothernature being a twat yet again, and all that angry lightning she tosses around, service on the LIRR was suspended and Penn physically closed some motherfuckin’ gates. Let the people at least sit on the train in some AC or something? No need to go and get all “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” on a mofo. BTW, these are the same cunts that are $8.9 billion short on their budget.

These two broads just go at it on a 7 train ride in NYC. Passengers look on in disbelief as one of the participants’ child in a stroller rolls out the door and onto the platform. First of, somebody call child services. Second of all, is it me or are there a shit ton of fights on public transit nowadays? Thank God for cell phone cameras.

Let’s just zoom out a little bit here. These two women laid hands on each other because of a fucking seat on a subway. A plastic piece of furniture that you can rest your ass on. Put your fucking pride down for half a second and let the other idiot just sit there. There cannot be anything less material to go to blows over.

Every morning, when I emerge from the catacombs of Gran Central onto Madison and 47th, I have to walk by a Cafe Metro. Walking by is not the problem, it’s the exhaust vent that blows in my face at 45mph, and smells like sauteed skunk rectum in a homeless man’s urine reduction sauce. It is just one of the more unpleasant encounters on my walk to work from the train.

New York is fucking awesome, it really is. But they just straight suck donkey dick when it comes to sanitation. Like, wtf is this shit with leaving garbage on the side of the road to be picked up, or in this case leaving it on the train platform?!

Subway riders are being forced to wait on platforms that have plastic bags stuffed with foul-smelling dreck because the MTA regularly fails to meet its own garbage collection schedule, the Daily News has learned.

On an average night, MTA trash trains and garbage trucks don’t make it to more than 100 stations that are scheduled for a pickup, Metropolitan Transportation Authority data show.

There is no more real estate, right, I get it. But figure something the fuck out. In the summer, the stench of hot garbage is putrid. I think Bloomberg is doing it to cover up the homeless smell perhaps.