Commuter Contempt

Sure, I know you make shit grow and stuff, but you absolutely fuck up my commute.

People drive like pussies, my windshield wipers suck, and the fucking train I take leaks water. Even though I’m 75% of what you are, you still piss me off.

I get it. To each person you are allowed a certain amount of space to protect yourself from wet raindrops, but jesus christ, there’s no need to go and get all cunty about everything. Your umbrella just smacked me in the back of the domepiece so you could walk safely by. But before you go, I must say, fuck you, you twat. Watch your shit whore. It’s not even like your umbrella is that huge. And if you do hit someone in the head at least say goddamn sorry. Bitch.h

It’s raining. Not pouring. There is no old man snoring anywhere. But there’s a train that normally stops at the end of the platform, where the covered stairs are conveniently located, chooses to stop further down. Not a life or death situation here, just a less than desirable, somewhat wet, longer walk. You cunt.

Subject line says it all. In my heart of hearts I know I’m driving risky, but ultimately, and at this particular time, I just do not give a fuck. I’m driving fast to catch a train, and rolling the dice that I don’t hydroplane.

That is all.

I realize it’s raining kind of hard out there, but let’s not pile up at the top of the escalator and just congregate like a bunch of pussified pussies.

What, are you all wicked witches or some shit? You gonna melt or something? Man the fuck up, pop your umbrella open and get at it. It’s a man’s world. Act like a man bitches.

I swear to God, for the past month+, I have checked out the weather forecast before work, and every week there are at least 3-4 days of clouds with rain coming out of them. This fucking sucks.

If you are a cloud that produces rain…Fuck You.

I do not have a setting on my windshield wipers for “pain in the ass amount of rain”. You know where it’s just a slight drizzle, but less than that. and then sometimes more than that? GD! And following a semi, it automatically starts drizzling-on-crack. It’s such a burden, having to judge the amount of time between swipes.

Not much more to say. Did not dry off for hours. My balls sat there soaking wet on a pleather seat on Metro North’s comfy seats. Needless to say, not pretty.

Listen, walking through the Diamond District of New York is probably the equivalent of walking through the red light district of Amsterdam. Only people aren’t offering you drugs and sex, they are trying to sell you stuff. Or get you to sell them stuff. It is to be dreaded. I have devised a plan where I walk down the middle of the road to avoid all this bullshit. I would rather take my chances in traffic than walk along the sidewalks that are disgustingly littered with trash, and trashy people.

Taking the train home. Arrived early to set up shop - having grabbed myself a prime real estate seat. 

It had been raining all day in NY, so I am just waiting for some sort of commuter shit somewhere to hit the fan at any given time. But what happened next made it clear that it would most likely not. Manifesting before my eyes was the land of milk and honey of all train seats. A three seater with still water sitting on one seat. Water in the sense that the wet, shitty train car had leaked through the ceiling at some point during the day.

Quickly grabbing the inner-most seat I knew I would be by my lonesome, thankfully, for the entire ride home. Well, the ride home was fine. Great actually. But every point in between, before and at every stop sucked ass. When I tell you that I had to “warn” over twenty fucking people that there was water on the seat, it almost became tiresome. So fucking bad did I want to let one of these unknowing fucks sit in water, but I just could not bring myself to do it.

Surprisingly, most people were nice and appreciated my selflessness. However, there were a few ornery doucheheads that thought I was making this shit up. As if I dripped Poland Spring on the seat so I wouldn’t have to sit next to them. Not that I would not have… But I didn’t.

Bottom line, sitting next to no one on the train is fucking awesome! The raw deal is, most people suck. And you gain no value in being near them. So I leave you with this bit of sage advice… If it is raining out, arrive early and sprinkle water on the seat next to yours. Fuck it. You will be able to live with yourself afterwards. I know I will.

Which means there is no need to go 20mph UNDER the speed limit. Maybe you should just work from home if you are completely scared of driving while nature’s greatest magical miracle, water, is dropping from the sky. Seriously, you are screwing my shit up, you big big puss.

I have to think that less eyes get poked at a lasic clinic than walking down the streets of midtown Manhattan when it rains. These crazy, reckless fuckheads with their umbrellas are more inconsiderate than someone who pees on a public toilet seat. Dodgin’ and dippin’ down the crammed sidewalk is tough enough when it’s bright and shiny, but when people have weapons in their hands it just becomes downright dangerous. It might be more worth it to play human frogger right down the middle of traffic.