Commuter Contempt

Look at me! I look like an asshole!!

Fucking Swedes. Is there nothing to do over there besides analyze people? Makes some fucking meatballs will ya? They’ve launched another study that links commuting with stress. Next, they’re studying the correlation of porno and jerking off…can’t wait for the results!

Your work commute is: (A) a bike ride or brisk walk; (B) a traffic jam; or (C) a crammed bus or train.

If you chose B or C, this could mean trouble for your health. A new survey of over 20,000 Swedes, aged 18-65, linked public transportation and car commutes to greater stress and exhaustion, and poorer health and sleep quality, compared to active commuters who biked or walked. No wonder the “healthiest women in America” have walkable commutes, according to a USA Today report.

Listen. The reason people suck it up and take the train, subway or drive is because it’s the fastest fucking way to get to the office. Going to work blows bad enough, the last thing you want to pile on top of that is a longer commute. There’s no way I’m adding anything “brisk” to my commute, bitches. I want in and out. And if that means watching a homeless woman wipe her ass with the New York Post, then I”m OK with that. So take your studies and wipe YOUR ass wipe them. I did.

These broads have been yucking it up the entire train ride to the city. And the worst part is, it appears they take this train everyday. Meaning, I now have to watch out and make sure I don’t sit near them ever again. Yeesh, the burden I carry…

- Train Conductor aboard the Metronorth line in NY in regards to a rider not being able to find their ticket.

I know conductors have probably heard every single line in the book. “Oh man, I JUST had my ticket,” “Someone must’ve stolen it.” or “You don’t know me! Fuck you!”

So I normally feel for them. But yesterday I witnessed first hand a conductor just jumping ugly without proper provocation.

The rider was like, “I’m looking for my ticket. I did just have it. I’m not trying to pull anything over on you.” To which the conductor just says, like a dick, “Find it.” That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. And it was said in a less than pleasant manner. Like, jeez, thanks for the awesome advice Mr. Conductor man. What a great idea! Maybe I should just find it!

End of the story the conductor came back, the gentleman was unable to locate his ticket and paid $20 for an onboard one-way.

I will give the conductor this. He did apologize afterwards. But only after quoting the ticket price as $7,258…

You are not at your house. Therefore, do not take your shoes off and lounge aorund as if you were laying down at home. Leave your shoes on while on mass transportation. It’s simple, right?

I sat there because I thought, “who the fuck would shit in a public bathroom, let alone a bathroom onboard a disgusting train to begin with? So what’s the difference if I’m sitting outside the bathroom” Well, apparently the answer is, multiple people would shit in there.

For instance, this morning two disgusting human beings shit in the train bathroom. Want to know how I know? Because I sat outside and could SMELL their shit. No joke. The smell of human asshole permeated the car. I just can’t do it again. Never again.

I somehow managed to get the solo seat on the train this morning. Which can only mean one thing, my day might now just giant balls. I pray to God today goes smooth and people don’t piss me off too much. So far so good. But you never know with these unpredictable humans.

Sure, I know you make shit grow and stuff, but you absolutely fuck up my commute.

People drive like pussies, my windshield wipers suck, and the fucking train I take leaks water. Even though I’m 75% of what you are, you still piss me off.

It’s as if you WANT to sit in the middle. Seriously, it’s 12 minutes before the train leaves and you don’t even bother to look for your own seat. you walk right onto the train and demand to sit in the middle. It’s fucking disturbing, really. You, as a human being, should want to sit as far away as possible from other human beings. Oh, and I hate you.

Because it doesn’t even work. I look like a giant ass plugging my laptop in that needs charging, only to have it not even turn on. Sweet. Guess that’s going to happen on a train that is at least 40 years old. The old, set em up to fail, prank. Wells done you MTA cunts.

Metro North New Haven Line will see an increase in fares coming as soon as the beginning of next year.

• A 5.25% fare increase effective January 2012.
• A 19.25% fare increase over the next seven years.

Basically, my ticket is increasing by almost $20 next year. And almost $70 over the next seven years. There isn’t anything more in line for me to say than go fuck yourself MTA. Suck a giant, syphalitic dick.

What. The Fuck. Anyone else thinking they’re talking about trannys’ cock-to-vagina surgeries? Well, apparently I didn’t go to college for 9 years, because this is what it is.

WEDNESDAY, May 11 (HealthDay News) — In women, a vaginal mesh support is more effective for repairing a common type of pelvic organ prolapse — which occurs when pelvic organs fall out of place — than simply stitching the connective tissue in the vaginal wall muscle back together, finds new research.

But the newer procedure comes with a higher rate of serious complications during the surgery, such as bladder perforation and pelvic hemorrhage, and adverse events after the surgery, including new urinary incontinence and pain during sex, according to the study.

I didn’t know pelvic organs ever “fell out of place”. Frankly, I didn’t know there were, pelvic organs. But holy shit.

Train advertisement on LIRR. Thanks MetroAds!

You just used the bathroom on the train. Not only is that dumb, but when you left the lavatory someone was waiting to used the damn thing. You, being your normal helpful self said, “It’s disgusting in there!” This makes me think…

1. You like to make painfully obvious comments
2. You just blew that bitch up and are embarassed

Now, I happen to know the answer is #1. For no other reason than you were in there for at most 15 seconds. Which means, you say dumb shit.

The answer is probably yes.

I can’t remember a name to save my life. But a face. I will never forget a face. Maybe it’s because I’m too busy staring at people, judging them, to forget.

But sometimes I will see people from the regular train I take to work, out in public, at the grocery store for instance, and be all like, “yeah, that’s the fucker who takes the train too.” And then I wonder, “Do they recognize me?” And then I’m like, “Don’t flatter yourself bro, of course they don’t”. But they probably do. Because I’m awesome.

Seriously, I’d fork over $20 for both right now. Holy shit I’m so fucking tired. Everything I’ve done during this hungover morning has been with the goal of getting on the train and falling asleep. No fucks will be given by me as to whether I’m snoring or farting. Fuck the world, I’m tired.

Dude has a bloody nose on the train. OK, that’s not so out of the ordinary really. Except he’s armed with a bag of cotton balls. Which leads me to believe this type of thing happens to you a lot. But the grossest part is, one of your used, bloody cotton balls just fell on the train floor. And it’s staring me in the fucking face. And I”m all grossed out. What is it about human blood that makes people squirm? Is that why Drs are paid so fucking much? I oculdn’t handle being an EMT, that’s for shit sure. One bloody cotton ball on the ground and I”m dry heaving.