Commuter Contempt

Answer: Monday.

It wasn’t just broken. We weren’t even allowed to walk up the stairs to the right of the broken escalator. I’m not talking about the escalator that has become stairs. We had to take a goddamn detour around the entire area.

And all the fat losers were waiting for the elevator. The elevator that goes no more than 2 stories up or down in one clip. These people would rather wait in a huge line and be 10 minutes late, than to walk up stairs.

There are two sides to every coin. On one side you have muddy, wet bitches. On the other you have a douchebag in a truck laughing his fucking ass off. Sides? You pick.

I’m always so scared people will do this to me when it’s raining out. It’s so fucking possible. I don’t know how it doesn’t happen more actually. If it did happen to me, like these broads, I’d be so happy if I were wearing my two-piece.

I realize it’s raining kind of hard out there, but let’s not pile up at the top of the escalator and just congregate like a bunch of pussified pussies.

What, are you all wicked witches or some shit? You gonna melt or something? Man the fuck up, pop your umbrella open and get at it. It’s a man’s world. Act like a man bitches.

When you’re going for the door and someone does the quick “sssssscuse me”. Without saying “excuse me” of course. In this particular case, the twat saw the doors were closed where she was originally going and cut right in front of my ass. With her puffy coat and blue bag with pink trim. Damn you. Damn to hell!

I think this is footage of said Grandparent’s travel to and fro. Or it’s just some dude’s cool journey of the 2,200 mile Appalachian Trail.

Either way, when you think your commute absolutely could not get any fucking worse, think about walking this shit. Or think of naked chicks with giants boobies. Whatever works for you.

Ohhhhhh good for you. You snuck in front of me for the escalator line. You are such a huge man, I’m now so scared of you. Dick. Who gives a SHIT if you get up the escalator one person ahead? I hope you step in homeless person’s shit.

Wall Street Journal came out with a bomb article. If you haven’t had a chance to review, it’s right here again. It deals with Sidewalk Rage - or as I call it “Walker’s Rage”. A very real epidemic sweeping the globe. Listen, I’m not only a commuter with contempt, I also suffer from severe Walker’s Rage. So I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I just…can’t…help it.

There are simple fucking ways to walk amongst your fellow human being that just work ok, learn them. It’s simple. If we are all going to exist in this world together, just blasting by each other, cutting each other off, and secretly enjoying when someone else rolls their ankle is not the way to be. Although it is the fun way to be.

So this WSJ article references a study where they actually quantified all these fuck heads that are among us. Responsibly, and ethically, they broke down the individuals who walk in the street as follows:

• Tourists
• Smokers
• Cellphone users
• Headphone listeners
• Large Pedestrians
• Men
• Women
• People with bags

I would like to translate:

• Tourists = annoying fuckheads clogging our walkways
• Smokers = disgusting smoke blowersinyourfacers
• Cellphone users = loud annoying obnoxious assholes
• Headphone listeners = iPods. Let’s be real, that’s what they’re connected to.
• Large Pedestrians = fatties. You know who you are.
• Men = the better gender
• Women = the best gender
• People with bags = it’s a literal metaphor

So where does everyone stack on the walking scale. In other words, who is more likely to piss me the fuck off?

Let’s first look at how many feet per second each manages.

Doesn’t look like much at first glance, but that shit adds up. Especially over blocks, and minutes. And for the record, I am the person with the headphones. And I cruise. And there is no way I only do 4.6 feet a second. Maybe when I’m slowing down to pass, sure, but I’m at least triple that. I got constant shin splints. It’s a small price to pay.

If you were to convert these meaningless feet per second into something everybody knows, it’s miles per hour. And here’s how that looks.

The only realistic number here is the fatties. Have you ever been on a treadmill before/after a workout and went 2.0 mph. You are damn near standing still. You actually gain weight going that slow. Something must be wrong here, or the sample walking universe they used are on heroin. If this were NYC figures, it’d be pushing 4-5 mph. Easy.

Okay, so let’s introduce a new figure. The “percentage below the average human being” barometer. The average human being was identified as walking 4.3 ft/sec. Follow the dotted line…

Lesson here, follow the dude with in iPod jammed in his earholes. That dude is set to cruise and has no interest in hearing people complain about him, hence the music cranked. So ride his coattails. And ride ‘em well. Godspeed!

Seems so simple doesn’t it. You have to get somewhere,  so just go and get there, right? A majority of the time it truly is this simple. However, in NYC it is never that simple. And that’s why you love the place, and wear the t-shirt to prove it.

If you need to get someplace, and don’t know where you’re going, go Google “Mapquest” and get yourself a print out with pretty little arrow signs and shit telling your ass where to go. Listen, I am not here to give you directions. Rather, to drop some seriously obvious science on your dome-piece, as to how to best make your way through town-de-mid of the world’s capital – New York, NY.

COMMUTER CAVEATS

Before moving further, there are a few core aspects of pedestrianizing  Manhattan that must be understood and fully accepted. Or else you are on your own to learn your own damn lessons. Consider me Ellis Boyd ‘Red’ Redding in Shawshank to your, whatever the fuck his name was, Andy Du-something. I’m the old guy on the porch with a piece of straw (Budweiser) in his mouth yammering about the good old days, and how things are. Even if you could give a squeeze of two baby shits, just know this:

• It’s dog-eat-dog out there, and only the strong do survive (or just arrive late to work/meeting/interview/lunch/dinner or some tourist shit)
• There will be crazies. Plenty of ‘em.
• Automobiles will, and more than likely want to, run your ass over. They are solid steel and you are fleshy matter and bones. DO NOT FUCK WITH THEM.
• Every single person has a place to be. And fucking fast.
• No one cares if you live or lie. No joke. And I am no exception.

After signing off on the above, and rendering yourself completely and utterly powerless to these external forces, make it a point to not be a huge asshole in the process. Similar to a twelve step “anonymous” process. Only with a realistic chance of you succeeding.

NAVIGATION ORIENTATION SIMULATION PROCLAMATION

East Meets West Meets East:

101 shit right here - if you are walking and the street numbers are descending, you are traveling south. If they’re increasing, guess what, yup your heading North. If the numbered sign has a W, it means you are west of 6th Ave (Avenue of the Americas), if there’s an E, guess what? You are a fucking retard and don’t pick up on things like a baseline functioning human being should.

Geographically, it seriously aint that tough. Do it once, and you’re a goddamn pro. Or if things seems to take you a bit, go and get yourself lost. Do that just one time and I guarantee you will learn. And learn fast.

Key Streets:

Starting from the East, streets go: 1st, 2nd, 3rd, Lexington, Park, Madison, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and so on. Memorize these. Memorize them now. Stare at your computer monitor until the LEDs have ingrained this forever into your retina. Knowing these avenues will come in extremely handy in the future.

STREETLIGHTS ARE YOUR BEST FRIENDS

You have no allies out there on the mean streets. Not even the police. It’s just you and that metal contraption soaring high above the intersection. Oh, and that’s his friend right there, the “high-five/person walking” flasher box.  Make acquaintances early, and often. Lean on them heavily, I say. Lean.

Here’s how it works.  You can only cross when the cross traffic (traffic on street you need to pass) has a red light. Very intuitive right? You’d be surprised how many people literally spin in circles trying to comprehend this. This is the exact reason the hand/pedestrian signals are there. If I have to even explain “why” to you, just go and walk out into oncoming traffic. You are a retard and have somehow miraculously escaped from your state-appointed handler. Do yourself, and us all, an enormous favor and just end it. End it all here and now. Thank you.

So, when the bright-white pedestrian (racist?) turns to a blinking hand, you have approximately 10 seconds to get your ass across the street. As soon as that hand stops flashing and turns solid orange (racist?), it is now time to commence running across. The vertical street (street you are not attempting to cross) now has a yellow light, and the crossing light is about to turn bright motherfuckin’ green. And remember what you agreed to and accepted above – automobiles, namely taxis, will run your asshole over. Assuming your asshole does not now have skid marks, and not due to the lack of wiping/hairy-hole-dingle-catcher kind, you are now safely across the road.

Conversely, when you waiting for your cross light to turn red, you will need to resume leaning on these signal-producing companions. Monitor the status of the perpendicular crosswalk’s signal. When that bad boy makes you talk to the blinking hand, you are in the ondeck circle. Now, just wait for the hand to turn solid, ensure the vertical road’s light turns yellow, and take a step. Just one step. And a baby one at that. With that one step you take this time to make certain those fucking asshole taxis, and GIANT dickhead buses have their breaks firmly applied and are coming to a stop. If they are not, then they are stepping on  the gas to blast through their yellow/red light. It is at this point where you get your ass across that street and fast.

Moving on.

SECRET SIDEWALK SKILLS THAT PAY NO BILLS

“The impact(s) of making it through a stoplight, or passing someone at the opportune time can make or break your walking commute”

When it comes to manning the navigation of NY’s old concrete walkways, it is extremely basic. There are no rules.

Aside from pushing an elderly lady down, it’s fair game here. Get ready for some human Nascar. Only this time with more teeth. Usually.

The general rule of thumb is similar to driving here in the states. Stay on the right hand side of the road. Although, you can do what you want to, really. G’head, make your own rules. Find what works for you, and exploit that shit until it works no more. Here are a few that have been consistent gainers.

Eyeball Steering:

Use your eyes as your steering wheels. When faced with oncoming walkers, look where you want to go. Although you should observe what your are stepping in (especially with the homelessness abound) you want to keep your head up, square your shoulders, and make a face like your mother-in-law is complaining about having gas. Now steer the fuck out of that sidewalk with your peepers. Superman aint got shit on you.

Use Auxiliary Items To Weave:

Should you find yourself in a slight bind with heavy traffic, use your bag/briefcase as a bumper. People respect that. And they don’t really want to get hit with foreign objects, so keeping your bag in front of you to be used as a rudder to interlace these shitty sidewalk passengers.  The effects can be extremely advantageous.

Mind Your Eyes:

Avoid eye contact. Enough said.

You shouldn’t give a fuck about who is passing you, or what hot chicks are in the area. Do this and you will trip, piss someone off, or invite overall unwanted interaction. Truth is, you have a mission, as do they. Oh, and girls in NYC are the best at avoiding eyes. You could throw a lit road flare covered in poop at their face while in full ninja gear, and they would do a quick Matrix move to dodge your attack and keep on. So do yourself a favor – keep on your damn self. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open, and you could learn a thing or two.

STAIRS/ESCALATORS

Stand to the right if you are slow (stairs) or just a lazy waste of DNA (escalator). Use the left lane for passing, and try to not take your fucking time. Especially at peak traffic hours. Oh, and watch your baggage. Don’t suddenly swing them over your shoulder, or plop them down to take up a lane with your “Forever 21” shitty shit. Buy only what you can carry. Or take the elevator with the rest of the droopy sloths.

HOMELESS BEGGERS / CRAZIES

Begging For It:

These dudes are not Ted Williams. Actually, they might be more sober and successful than he, but that’s neither here nor there. Avoid eye contact in this situation too. Also avoid human empathy. If you suffer from this weakness, you are probably not cut out for this, and you are probably waiting for someone to let you pass through the doors at Grand Central as we speak.

These castaways are where they are because of one of two things:

1. Drugs or Alcohol or Gambling or Any Other Vice
2. It’s their professional job

1. Nobody is homeless, or begging because they can’t “get a job”, no. They done did something to piss someone off, and that something is #1 above. Feel no sorrow. At the end of the day you will feel better. And as long as you are feeling better about it, who gives a fuck about them anyways. Am I right or what?

2. It’s their occupation. Beware there are guys/girls who make it their profession to swindle you out of your hard-earned cash. These guys have “homeless LOOKING clothes”, but without all the wear and tear. Bona fide hobos are wearing 5-7 pairs of pants, 6 thermals, 2 pairs of shoes, and put McDonald’s bags on their heads when it rains. They can also be those individuals with the witty street signs. If you are homeless, how on Earth do you already know about  Charlie Sheen’s coke binge and prostie 5-some? Oh, it says it right on your NYPost newspaper hat. Sorry about that.

WEATHER WILDCARDS

It is all rather straight forward, this whole walking around in NY thing. That is, when Mother Nature minds her fucking business and doesn’t dump 18 inches of snow, or make it 107 degrees out. OR that twat decides to just pour goddamn buckets on your head. None of these are ideal situations.

Snow:

Walkways are narrower, forcing closer human interaction. Sucks. It also turns to ice pretty darn easily. I looked like Bambi taking her first steps just the other day. In addition, the asshole drivers splash you with a muddymix of soupie freezing slop. And there are these mysterious puddles, where they appear to be concrete, but are in actuality 6 inche puddle of H2O that soaks you up to your socks.

Rain:

Pretty much the same shit as snow. Although most times way less cold. But if you get caught in a downpour, EVERYTHING gets wet. I mean everything. And if you have to sit on a train for a while to head back home, you’re fucked. Enjoy the crotch rot fella.

Heat:

I know. You’re thinking, what could possibly be wrong with a gourgeous humid summer day? If you are asking that, then I’m fairly confident you have never walked by a trash pile in NY on garbage day. Or walked down the sidewalk wondering just WHAT IS THAT PUTRID STENCH?! Answer – the homeless guy walking 5 feet in front of you. Good luck getting that out of your nose.

CONCLUSION

Try not to waste time when walking in New York. You know, like the 7 or so minutes it took you to read this pile of garbage.

People are ruthless fucks. Cut them off, and feel no remorse in doing so. They would do it to you. These degenerates would step on their mother to get over a puddle, trust me.  Because I would step on her so hard to not get my Allen Edmonds wet.

People think it’s great to work in the city. And, well, it is. But you come across these people every once in a while that just throw you for a loop. She happens to be one of the more comical variants. And her laugh is just so darn infectious! As long as it has nothing to do with Jesus, or counting numbers, they’re fine by me. Just, stay over there will ya.

You are taking up two lanes on a stairwell. You on one side, and your bag on the other. Carry it in front of you, you lazy bitch. It has wheels for God’s sake DRAG the thing behind you.

It’s the law of the land. Not a horribly tough concept to grasp either. When riding an escalator during rush hour in New York City, if you are not going to continue walking as you ride, stand your ass to the right of the stairs. It goes without saying. People have been doing it since it was designed in 1900 by Charles Seeberger. You seriuosly add 20-23 seconds to my commute. Inexcusable.

Are you doing that on purpose?? Did someone pay you to spit on the sidewalk right where I’m walking. You filthy pig you. Go spit on your hand and beat off.

GOD, I don’t care if you smoke people. But when you do it in my fucking space, I want to challenge you to a foot race where the winner gets to punch the other in the face. You walk by me puffing away and you look disgusting. And no, please don’t dispose of your cancer stick anywhere that gets picked up regularly and brought to a dump. Fling it as far as you can, you manly man who can flick things with their fingers very far.

Because you walk so fucking slow!! Speed it up a bit and you might lose some weight, consequently causing some guy to actually pay attention to you. And who the fuck knows, you might even get a ring for your fat finger!  Btw - walking fast won’t do anything for that face of yours, but it couldn’t hurt.

You know, the one where you don’t walk down that sidewalk like a total asshole COMPLETELY oblivious to the world around you! If they do, I will buy it for you. Because I bought the one where it makes money just paper.