Commuter Contempt

You’ve had no more than a beer and a half, and you’re talking like Pauly Walnuts from the Sopranos. Ease the fuck up sailor. You’re in the bar car on the MTA. Not at the bada-bing. There will be no more pinky rings and adding gratuitous S’s, that sound like Z’s to everything. Capiche?

Every once in a while a gem of a story makes its way into the press. Well, here is one for ya.

A drunk Jetstar passenger just couldn’t seem to make it to the lavatory, instead using the airplane aisle to relieve himself. And, he got off with only a warning.

The New Zealand man was on a flight from Auckland to Singapore Monday, and had been seen by passengers before the flight drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.

How many awesome stories have started out with “…drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.”  Normally a story of being locked up abroad, or locking up with a fat broad comes next. Although the latter may or may not have happened later on.

Six hours into the eleven-hour flight, he then proceeded to let loose in the aisle – urinating on the carpet, a man’s leg and a woman’s scarf, reports the New Zealand Herald.

“I hear this sound of running water and then I hear a guy going ‘No, no, no, what the hell is wrong with you?’ passenger Amos Chapple told the paper. “And there’s this guy pissing in the aisle, waving back and forth.”

You have no idea the amount of money I would have paid to see the look on this woman’s face whilst a drunk dude pisses all over, of all the fucking things, her scarf. For her sake, I hope it wasn’t around her neck.

Wipes were provided for the sprayed man, who was moved, but the woman with the wet scarf had to ask repeatedly for a plastic bag.

Why the giant fuck would you want to keep a scarf after another human being PISSED all over it. It must have been ridiculously expensive.

The sprayer, on the other hand, got off a bit easier. He was given a warning from the captain and sent to his seat to sleep it off. Apparently, according to Chapple, when he confronted the man in Singapore he was clueless about the incident.

The guy more than likely woke up thinking, “Holy shit I just had fucked up dream.” Then the realization that it was NOT a dream swept over him like a hit of salvia. Not. Fucking. Good.

I love the train for the most part. You can drink on it, there are plenty of them to choose from. However, clean the fucking things every once in a while.

I should not get on the train in the morning and smell stale beer. I’m not in college anymore, and I am actually pay a good amount to ride this fucking thing right now and would prefer to not gag in disgust.

The only way stale beer is okay to smell in the AM is if you actually drank the beer that is causing the smell. Because chances are you are still drunk. And that is a great feeling - waking up still drunk. But I’m not. Clean this shit up.

So we might want to go rethinking the whole “caffeine and alcohol together is the devil” thing. Why? Here:

This isn’t exactly what the FDA and Mothers Against Four Loko (aka, all of them) want to hear right now, or ever, but a new backfiery study out of Northern Kentucky University suggests that driving under the influence of Loko might be superior to driving under the influence, period.

The study, titled “Risks for College Students Consuming Trendy Cocktails” and obviously commissioned with a hypothesis in mind, makes the unexpected discovery that an intoxicated person’s notoriously sluggish reactions are somewhat sharpened by the effects of caffeine.

You know in driving school when they fooled you the first time with the following question?

What is the best thing for someone who has been drinking before driving:

1. Caffeine
2. Drive with windows open
3. Time
4. Drive fast

Everyone and their mother said caffeine the first time around. I know I did. Well, fuck that, it’s caffeine bitches! And you read it on the internet, so you know it’s true.

Please note - the correct answer is time. Don’t be a dick and drink and drive, you asshole.

If I order 16 ounces of Coors Light, it costs me only $2.75, at the MTA’s conveniently placed bar carts in Grand Central. If I order a vodka soda, and not even top-shelf vodka, it costs me a staggering $6.25…for approximately 6 ounces! Sure they’re both approximately the same amount of booze, so why does the beer cost so much less? Chances are because there is drastically less lead time in furnishing a beer for customers vs. making a vodka soda. I do know that it has virtually nothing to do with the type of vodka used, or the amount. A person flying coach on Southwest gets double the amount of vodka as the same passenger on MTA drinking the exact same drink. The CIA must be behind this initiative.