Commuter Contempt

- Train Conductor aboard the Metronorth line in NY in regards to a rider not being able to find their ticket.

I know conductors have probably heard every single line in the book. “Oh man, I JUST had my ticket,” “Someone must’ve stolen it.” or “You don’t know me! Fuck you!”

So I normally feel for them. But yesterday I witnessed first hand a conductor just jumping ugly without proper provocation.

The rider was like, “I’m looking for my ticket. I did just have it. I’m not trying to pull anything over on you.” To which the conductor just says, like a dick, “Find it.” That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. And it was said in a less than pleasant manner. Like, jeez, thanks for the awesome advice Mr. Conductor man. What a great idea! Maybe I should just find it!

End of the story the conductor came back, the gentleman was unable to locate his ticket and paid $20 for an onboard one-way.

I will give the conductor this. He did apologize afterwards. But only after quoting the ticket price as $7,258…

Seriously, you have all the time in the world to come up with something original and witty. Really? What, was Hellen Keller not “snappy” enough for ya? This is about as original as, “Where’d ya get your license…in a box of cracker jacks?! OHHHH!” So incredibly lame. Although, I do applaud your intentions.

Btw, you know what Stevie Wonder’s favorite color is? Corduroy.

Hey Buddy, you asked ME whether the train you were about to board was the correct train. I answered you honestly, and accurately. And you just turned around and continued on. Not even a glimmer of a fucking thank you anywhere. This cocksucker probably never said thank you ever. He certainly has never said thank you after someone complimented him on his really thick, and ungroomed, mustache. That’s because it looks retarded and no one would ever compliment that piece of shit facial hair on your lip. It looks like a 70’s porn star who accidentally sat on a bottle of Rogaine.

Seriously, you walk like you are sitting on a ski pole. Sure, your posture is more than likely Doctor recommended, but you look like a giant asshole. No, you really look like a physical asshole. All tight and puckered up, just waiting to let loose. Do you let loose? Do you enjoy yourself, ever? I bet you wear the same suit to bed everynight. Those are your work clothes, and your pajamas. Unbutton a button every once in a while will ya.

Dude, I took a left at the traffic light. And the left lane looked better of a choice AFTER I took said left. But then it didn’t, all of a sudden. But as I got back into the right lane, safely, you honked your piece of shit car horn at me. Fuck you.

Not only do you proceed to honk at me for no reason, but you speed past me like you’re a fucking cool mofo. Well, you’re not, you piece of douche. So I follow you, so as to return the favor, and at the next light I honk at you like a dick too. Fuck off cocksucker.

Not only do you not act like the tough guy who honked at me for no reason, but now you appear to be scared of me. Of course, I could be making this up in my head, but fuck you anyways. You don’t act like tough for the next mile and turn down your road.

To you, I say “fuck you.” That’s it. That’s about as simple as it gets you piece of shit car driver. Suck it.

Truly, what a giant cocksucker. Who the fuck are you that you get to park there, yet write any of us other stupid civilians tickets if we did the same? You are such a cunt it hurts. And you can’t even park inside the lines either. So not only are you a cock that takes a handicap spot, but you just drive in it without one ounce of giving a fuck. Thanks for the pic.

[Source Gothamist]

At least, I hope it’s only dog shit…

I really can’t believe fucking people sometimes. I just can’t. A dog clearly hatched a huge butt snake all over the platform, its owner did nothing about it, and some poor unsuspecting passerbys now have dog shit on the bottom of their shoes as they walk to work.

You know how if you run into the store, leaving your child in the car alone, child services will come and snatch yo baby? Well, we should do the same with dog owners. And it shouldn’t only be as extreme as a Mike Vick situation. If you don’t clean up after your dog, you should not be allowed to have one. Also, if your dog just barks and barks all the fucking time you should be deemed a giant dickhead, and your dog be taken away. Now don’t get me all wrong here. I LOVE dogs. it’s the fucking humans that are the problem.

You fucking prick. It’s morning rush goddamnit. You do not stop anywhere on the escalator, and I mean anywhere. Not even the top as it comes to a level. If you do this…then fuck you.

Let me set the scene. Driving in the right lane of a four lane main road. It’s your average “route”. This DICK is trying to pull out of a gas station on the right hand side of the road. He begins pulling out, and the JUST STOPS halfway during. Talk about noncommittal. This fuck can’t even make up his mind about how much of an inconsiderate fuck he wants to be. We had to come to a full stop and get in the other lane to go around him. The whole time he is avoiding eye contact because he knows he is so motherfucking wrong.

And it turns out that by not being an intentional fuck by just cutting us off, he is even more of a cunt.

First rule - you are the last to join the party, so you best check yourself because big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. Don’t be an asshole and think you are badass with your elbows out or some shit. No, you are a chump who needs to pick a better timed train where you don’t have to sit in the middle seat.

This one fucking guy fell asleep in the middle seat with his arms crossed. Not really a problem other than the fact that they kept hitting me. This, I can live with. What I can’t live with is how his head was turned towards me, with his mouth gaping open and his horrible breath bouncing off the side of my face. The only thing I could do was be intentionally annoying myself by hitting my arms on his elbows so he would wake up and move his head. It was very successful, for about 2-3 seconds, when his head would roll right back to venting on my face. It was a no win situation.

Oh rule number 2 - respect thy fellow passenger.

I’m running a bit late, it’s wet, and the light has turned yellow with definitely not enough time for me to successfully make it through at the speed I’m going. The options seem pretty straight forward don’t they? Either:

1. Gas it the fuck up in an attempt to blow a really yellow light, or a slightly red one.
2. Slow down safely and come to a complete stop.

Obviously I should go with the second option, as dictated by any driver’s training course. But me being me, I decide to continue at the same speed I’m currently going hoping the yellow light is like 15 seconds long. Then all of a sudden when it’s red, I begin thinging “wtf am I doing??” and violently slam on my brakes. So my car now slides, loudly, to a complete stop…directly in the middle of the intersection. Now I have a couple addition options, but say “fuck ‘em all” and drive through the red light I’m sitting under. Thank baby Jesus there were no po-po’s anywhere nearby.

Honestly, I have no idea how you can have a lisp when you are an adult. I guess it’s like being drunk all the time. I’ve struggled with not being a drunk boob before, many times actually, and have intentionally attempted not slurring my s’s. It’s tough. But for goddamn sake man, don’t yell at the top of your lungs on the train if you’ve got a lisp. And more importantly, don’t say s’s. I’m just wait for you to bust out in a “sally sells seashells by the sea shore” rendition, any minute now.

I’m an asshole for making fun of his lisp? Fine. Then just shut the fuck up then. Let’s leave it at that.

Via Jalopnik:

Picking up strangers while traveling can be thrilling, but in the 21st century United States, there’s no worse pickup line than “Have you ever wondered if someone could get something on the plane they weren’t supposed to?” Meet that guy.

Last Friday, after a day of delays and five Jack-and-Cokes, one Bryan Sisco boarded the Delta flight from Dallas to Atlanta at 9:45. Sisco, 40, told the Memphis Commercial Appeal he just decided to sit down in a random seat. When Danielle Valimont, 23, happened to sit next to him, the recently divorced Sisco decided to flirt with her, offering her chocolate, and telling her he was an architect and a flight marshal. When the flight attendant and another passenger tried to claim the seat, Sisco said he and the woman were newlyweds. By the way, those Jack-and-Cokes? Doubles.

“We were talking, sharing M&Ms, eating chocolate, having a good time,” he said. “I fabricated some truths about myself. … I thought we were getting along pretty good.”

Valimont tells it a little differently, saying on her blog that Sisco was “jittery” when she sat down and within a couple of minutes, she texted “I’m sitting beside a crazy man.” Things only got more romantic from there:

“Have you ever wondered if someone could get something on the plane they weren’t supposed to?” he said. My heart dropped…”I’m sure its possible…” I replied. “It is…”

He opened his book bag and brought out a silver metal torch-like item and put it near my leg. He clicked a button and a 4-6 inch blue flame shot out … I acted as if it was no big deal, though my heart was racing.

“That’s cool- what else do you have?” I said. He opened his bag and pulled out an item that looked similar to the end of a headset and told me it was like a tazor and could cause temporary paralysis…

And when the woman picked up the cylinder Sisco was carrying that he had said was architectural drawings, “he said it was a canister filled with gas strong enough to make everyone on the plane pass out.” When she said she didn’t believe him and went to open the cylinder, “he freaked out and told me to stop.”

So Valimont, now believing she was sitting next to the muscular, armed Texas version of the Underwear Bomber, played it cool. She kept Sisco talking, then made an excuse to use the bathroom. While there, she typed a note to flight attendants on her phone: “If the guy in 20D is a Marshall disregard this msg. He has a torch that he lit and showed me. And he said his canister has a gas device that will make everyone on the plane pass out if there is danger. He also has a device that says is like a tazor. I will go sit back down. Do what you need to.”

The flight attendants did what they needed to — having the pilot divert the plane to Memphis for an emergency landing, get police on board dressed as paramedics and escort Sisco, who didn’t realize what was going on until he was on the ground — into custody.

Sisco spent four days in custody, including two strip searches. He’s banned from Delta for life, and has regained some of the common sense washed away in Dallas: “It was stupid of me. I’m a dumbass.”

Do chicks really think acting like a terrorist is hot? Answer: No. You fucking moron.