Commuter Contempt

I sat there because I thought, “who the fuck would shit in a public bathroom, let alone a bathroom onboard a disgusting train to begin with? So what’s the difference if I’m sitting outside the bathroom” Well, apparently the answer is, multiple people would shit in there.

For instance, this morning two disgusting human beings shit in the train bathroom. Want to know how I know? Because I sat outside and could SMELL their shit. No joke. The smell of human asshole permeated the car. I just can’t do it again. Never again.

You just used the bathroom on the train. Not only is that dumb, but when you left the lavatory someone was waiting to used the damn thing. You, being your normal helpful self said, “It’s disgusting in there!” This makes me think…

1. You like to make painfully obvious comments
2. You just blew that bitch up and are embarassed

Now, I happen to know the answer is #1. For no other reason than you were in there for at most 15 seconds. Which means, you say dumb shit.

I’m not even remotely joking. There is normally a sink right where this roll of toilet paper is. For those who don’t recognize this mess, I’m in the bathroom on the train. What is this some sort of cruel joke? Not even a pump of Purell located anywhere near here. Am I supposed to just grab a couple squares and be on my way? Yeah? Well the jokes on you fuckheads. I peed a little bit on my hands. So whatever I touch now will have little pieces of my urine on it. Suck it, no sink bathroom disgusting hellhole.

I’d rather a toilet with a CVS plastic bag and giant turd (which is only peeking out at the bottom there) than take a giant deuce in the MTA bathroom. Serious. It’s not even a question. I’d rather shit on something so unsanitary than use the Metro North bathroom. Fuck you bathroom. you be gross.

If you look long and hard, you’ll notice that there’s a plastic bag wrapped around the rim of the toilet lip. It’s money. You press a button and that shit spins automatically. Money. Straight cash bitches.

I’m trying to take a piss on a late train back from NY, after a night of drinking multiple cocktails. Why you are ever up, and not in bed reading, is beyond me. So why you are knocking on the door of the train bathroom as a joke is nothing  short of massively annoying. Listen, I don’t take it out on you, but your parents, because they suck. Those fucks are sitting outside the bathroom with you, just letting you knock on bathroom doors because you are so fucking funny. Fuck you; fuck your parents; fuck the world. Bitches.

Stuck in the part of the train with the bathroom. It’s not a bathroom really, it’s an unsanitary port-o-potty on a Goddamn train. The smell, is horrendous. It is just not natural. I’m breathing in what is most likely vapors from a mysterious blue liquid and it is actually starting to hurt. So my question is, what effects am I incurring as a result? I’m guessing it’s the equivalent of smoking. Smoking something. It just can not be healthy.

There is is. It has been found. And it’s a spacious room to sit and think, while you deposit whatever it is you are going to be leaving behind in this luxurious crapping quarters.

No such thing exists as a “standard” restroom here on the M8. Every dumping destination is handicap accessible.  God bless these forward thinking connoisseurs of commuting creature comforts.

It’s not just the spacious location that makes these bathrooms almost usable, but the accoutrements included. Let’s have a look…

Like this beautiful sign for instance. It lets us know not to put the water that comes out of the sink into pots. Imagine what could happen if you were intent on whipping up a packet of ramen on your ride home. The amount of lives saved by one sign will never be known.

And another sign that might just be worth its weight in gold. Otherwise, ignorant riders might have thought that the bathroom was so large because it also doubled as a smoking station aboard to the train. Nowadays, in this litigious world, you are forced to place shiny metal beacons on the wall such as this, because people are assholes and do as they wish, and then they turn around and sue you because you never told them what they were doing was wrong. I blame that bitch for suing McDonald’s for making her husband fat.

In trouble while relieving yourself? Accidentally pot the non-drinking water?? Push the alarm button! Which, seriously speaking, makes zero sense. Because if a handicapped individual were in trouble, chances are they would be rolling around on the ground in their own filth with their pants around their lifeless legs. They would not be still sitting on the toilet, where they could easily reach this “emergency” button. Which leads me to a great point, what if the toilet paper runs out? Should the alarm then be sounded? It IS an emergency to run out of shit-tickets. Can you then use the non-potable water to rinse out your coolie hole? This damn button creates more questions than answers. Can a brother get a user’s manual please?!

Oh, the other button flushes the turrlet. No questions raised on that one.

Ever second guessed your ability to successfully lock a door so other creepy passengers don’t accidentally walk in on you peeing sitting down, as opposed to the widely accepted manly position of standing? Well forget about that shit! A beautifully illuminated LED light lets you know your mission of door lockage has been a great success. It can’t be any more straightforward on this one folks.

And thank Baby Jesus for the last sign posted here. In case you were wondering where the dryer, faucet, and soap were hidden, well, it’s underneath the vanity. Not intuitively on the sink. It’s like peering into the future.

Poopie paper is conveniently located within arms lengths to minimize your usage of the chalupa chamber.

Remember what the old bathrooms looked like? Let’s go to the tape and do a side-by-side for your viewing pleasure.

One thing to note when looking at both of these pictures, the old toilet seat version sat on what appeared to be a shelf. Which, obviously, caught the peepee spray of every person using the damn thing. The old, jail-like iteration, probably hasn’t had a physical human ass sitting on it since Jimmy Carter was in office. You take your pick of which installment you would rather use.

Although, in 20 years the new M8 toilets could easily in the same category. Let’s just hope they actually clean these new cars unlike the older M2’s.