Commuter Contempt

It’s starting to get cold  out there folks. Snow has fallen, nipples are getting harder every day, and I’m putting on my gloves like a motherfucking hitman, EVERY single time.

There’s something so empowering about making a fist while wearing leather gloves. Nobody can fuck with you. It’s you against the world. And you’re winning every time. And not to mention the germ factor either. You can grab doorknobs at random, hold on to the escalator handle, punch in your pin at the ATM, and not give one shit. I don’t care if I’ll be feeling like the air is going through my pants in 3 months, fuck it, I get to wear gloves bitches!

It’s March now. Soon it will be Spring. So act like it weather. I’m sick of the cold wind blowing in my face. I’m sick of grabbing a freezing cold steering wheel every morning. This morning, I had the honor of scraping just a small amount of frost from my car windows. Always a pleasure. I can NOT wait until I’m complaining about the heat/humidity being too much to handle.

It was beautiful last week, and here we are with wind chills bringing us below zero. It’s my own fault, I realize this. I need to move the fuck away. Far away.

Yesterday you teased like the little slut that you are. You made it over fifty degrees for one day only. Not that I’m not grateful, thanks. But why just one day. Or why not just keep it insanely cold so we don’t get our hopes up, or remember what it is like to have beautiful weather hit our skin. No, you decided to go on a powertrip and show us how mighty you are. I already have father time fucking me in the ass everyday, now dear old Mom is pilin’ on.

Why are you all standing so fucking close to me? We are waiting for the train to arrive and you are all up on my shit. If I had a fart in the chamber, I’d blast.Lucky for you I don’t. I realize it’s cold, but warm your damn selves up people. I need my space. It’s not you it’s me. I promise.

So, instead of the normal train that everybody and their mother that commutes are used to, including Conductors and Engineers, let’s use some older, crappier, and just plain annoying train cars. You know, the kind where, instead of standing in a covered vestibule inside the car when it’s packed, you have to wait outside the doors where you are basically exposed to the open elements. Such elements would include, wind, snow, and cold fucking weather. Way to go whoever decides this shit. Way to go.

1. There is simply no way to stay warm while waiting. 2. The trains will invariably be late. 3. If you are stuck on a train that is jam-packed, get the fuck off because there is no reason to travel like a sardine to work. There will be other trains, and they will get you there eventually so get your ass off, go in to the station and get warm, and take another train.

Not only do you have to make it absolutely frigid for my walk to the office, you also must blow the wind so it completely makes it as if I am wearing absolutely nothing on my legs. OH, and the ears. Could you take it easy on the “wind chill” factor, cause it absolutely sucks. I mean, blows. You cunt.

I haven’t even gotten to open Christmas presents yet and my balls are like two scoops of sorbet. My windshield is frosted, my toes are numb, and holy shit its only December.