Commuter Contempt

- Train Conductor aboard the Metronorth line in NY in regards to a rider not being able to find their ticket.

I know conductors have probably heard every single line in the book. “Oh man, I JUST had my ticket,” “Someone must’ve stolen it.” or “You don’t know me! Fuck you!”

So I normally feel for them. But yesterday I witnessed first hand a conductor just jumping ugly without proper provocation.

The rider was like, “I’m looking for my ticket. I did just have it. I’m not trying to pull anything over on you.” To which the conductor just says, like a dick, “Find it.” That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. And it was said in a less than pleasant manner. Like, jeez, thanks for the awesome advice Mr. Conductor man. What a great idea! Maybe I should just find it!

End of the story the conductor came back, the gentleman was unable to locate his ticket and paid $20 for an onboard one-way.

I will give the conductor this. He did apologize afterwards. But only after quoting the ticket price as $7,258…

I have to say, I’ve always wanted to know the deal. Like, when DO you pull the emergency brake? What is the best way to save someone on the tracks? Well read on bitches. A conductor spoke out on Reddit, and Gothamist aggregated all the good stuff (naturally):

Do you ever see mole people? I haven’t seen them in person, but I have seen some “dens” in the tunnels, nowhere near stations. Pray you don’t ever need to be evacuated through an emergency exit…I sure as hell do!

What’s with pointing up when you stop at a station? We’re pointing at the conductor’s indication board, which is a zebra-striped sign. If the sign is in front of my window, it means that the entire train is on the platform. They don’t trust us to just look (see that other question about zoning out), so required procedure is to point to it at every station before we open the doors.

The absolute biggest violation a conductor can make is opening the doors where there isn’t a platform. If that ever happens, the first thing supervision is going to ask you is “did you point to the board?”.

Is ‘sick passenger’ really a code for suicide attempt? No, sick passenger is code for “dead customer ON the train”. Often times it actually IS a sick passenger though - sick usually refers to some kind of bodily injury, rather than someone puking or passing out, and the delays are mainly from the MTA doing an investigation to cover their asses when that customer eventually files a lawsuit.

“Police investigation” is the code for a suicide by train. Service will be disrupted for about a half hour, usually. I’ve seen it mess up things for as long as 3 hours though.

What’s the best way to a) get help if someone is sick or being attacked and b) when DO you pull the emergency brake? a. On the newer trains, every car has an Emergency Intercom. Press the button and wait for the light to turn on and you can speak to the conductor. Let me know there’s a sick passenger and I will radio for EMS to meet the train at the next station. Note that these intercoms are for EMERGENCIES, not for asking directions. Furthermore, everything spoken on them gets recorded.

On the older trains, come to the middle of the train, or wave/shout to me from your door at the next stop.

b. The only time the emergency brake should EVER be pulled is if a customer is in danger of being injured/killed by the moving train (their tie is stuck in the door, etc), or if a parent and child get separated due to the closing doors.

FACT: on the newer trains, once the train is 1000 feet outside the station, all that pulling the emergency brake will do is set off an alarm in my cab, so that we can bring the train to a controlled stop. This is because there is almost no reason why a customer would need to activate the brake between stations, and too many of them pull them for the wrong reasons. Activating the emergency brake guarantees that the train will be stopped for at least 8 minutes, as a full investigation needs to be performed and there is a penalty timer before the train can be recharged.

What’s your favorite line and train car as a conductor?The 4 train. 1 hour end to end, not many stations (only 5 stations in Brooklyn!), and Manhattan is a breeze since there’s a big turnover of customers at just about every station. The only time I ever do any work on that line is in the Bronx, and even there, at least every station is straight, which makes it much easier to see what is happening at the ends of the platforms.

The newer trains have their pros and cons, but I prefer them. It’s less work for me to do, and is easier on my throat, but some of the technology (the manual PA and intercom) never works right, and the pre-recorded announcements and doors are much slower, so it’s harder to keep things paced.

The taking of pelham 123.. original or the remake? They both have their merits. I think the remake did a nice job bringing the story into the 21st century, but the acting and script was much much better in the original.

If, god forbid, I fall onto the tracks or someone I am willing to risk my life for falls into the tracks and is knocked out - and a train is coming (lets say 30sec away) - what should I do? Are those pits between the rails by the platforms made for people to hide in in a worst case scenario? The best thing you can do is run as far down the platform as you can (in the opposite direction from where the train enters the station) and wave your arms frantically to get the train operator and passenger’s attention. Believe me, the passengers WILL be doing the exact same thing, as nobody wants to see you get run over and their train get delayed. If you can get to the far end of the platform, it gives the train more room to stop, and there is a ladder at the end of each platform where you can climb back up — do NOT try to climb up from where you are. So many people have been killed trying to jump back up rather than getting away from the entrance end of the station.

Do NOT trust the pits between the tracks —- they are often right next to the third rail which can be just as dangerous (and note that the wooden planks are not designed to hold a human’s weight - they are there to protect the energized rail from drips and weather) and the train operator is less likely to see you if you’re in there. And don’t duck under the train, because most stations do not have enough clearance for the average human. And do NOT jump down onto the tracks to try to save someone else. The best thing you can do is run on the platform towards the tunnel where the train enters so you can get the operator’s attention sooner. Waving your arms over the tracks will tell the operator to stop immediately.

So, from a conductor’s mouth, the safest way to save someone on the tracks is to not go on the tracks and save them. You are more likely to die, and let the other person die, if you do. Shiiiiiiiiiit. Consider my mind blown. Run to the furthest end of the tracks and get the conductor’s attention.

I don’t know exactly how it gets decided. Maybe they’re appointed them, maybe they get to pick them out for themselves. But every conductor’s ticket puncher is a different.

This guy, for instance, appears to be a fish. Or maybe it’s a duck. Fuck, maybe it’s a peace sign or a goddamn bunny rabbit. The point is, they’re like snowflakes. every one is unique.

If I were a conductor, mine would be in the shape of a penis. That’s right. Just to remind each and every passenger that they’re getting banged right in the ass every time they ride this motherfucker.

If you’re going to go for it and be a train conductor, you might as well give zero fucks, about anyone, from here on out. Just like this dude. He don’t give a FUCK. Calling people “buddy”, “big guy” and just letting people get cut the fuck off by the train doors because they’re late. He clocks tickets like it aint no thang. No rhyme, no reason. Just holes in a ticket you stick in a pleather seat. Homeboy knows what time it is.

Then why you asking me where the train stops, as if I am one. I’m on this train because I did my independent research on which train I should take to get me where I need to go. What I didn’t do was walk on the train a generally blurt out the question, “…DOES THIS STOP IN _______.” Fuck you. I don’t give a shit where you need to go. Where you need to go is to the ticket booth and ask for a fucking schedule.

There’s never a reason to punch a broad. But this twat sure comes close.

This woman was talking too loud on the train when the conductor politely asked her to keep it down and stop using profanity or to take it to the vestibule. She jumped up and started yelling about how “educated” she is, proving the exact opposite.

There was an announcement a minute later asking all passengers to please not use profanity on the train, “especially those people who went to Harvard or Yale or are from Westport.”

The sister conductor there must really need this job. Or just got her nails did. Because I have no idea how she didn’t just LAY into her face. Pulling the whole, “I just touched you. NOW I HAVE to get kicked off.” No one needs to kick your ass off this train. Get your cunty crotch up and get to the vestibule, AND GET THE FUCK OFF.

Nobody gives a steaming turd about where you went to school either. You aint that smart, you’re riding the fucking train.

Speaking of which. That’s the entire reason this situation arose. She was talking loudly. It’s rule #1 on the train. Also, it’s the most unenforced rule on the train too. Good for this conductor doing something about it. This conductor chick deserves a goddamn raise, and an immediate vacation. With pay. You know she was seconds from goin’ all ghetto. You just know.

Listen, I am not a model human being. In fact, I’m the furthest thing from it. I will not refute that one iota. But I do have a shred of understanding and empathy towards my fellow human beings, or at least I like to think I do. Ask the little girl who has my second kidney right now. That little bitch is alive because of my selflessness.

What I am attempting to get at is this fucking guy pictured above. If there was a “most miserable fucking human person in the world who could give a flying fuck about anyone other than himself” pageant, this guy would take first, second, and fourth place. He comes off as an asshole.

I have taken the 5:44 express out of Grand Central Terminal regularly for quite a while now. It’s a great train. The word “express” should be taken literally. A ride that would once take over 90 minutes, now takes us just over 70. Do the math. It’s 20 fucking minutes. So why the fuck would I not take the damn thing.

The only downfall is this fucking guy pictured above. He’s the head conductor on this train out of Manhattan. Which means, essentially, he gets to make the announcements at the beginning of our journey and, which must be a part of his job as head conductor, has to be an insufferable, miserable, and annoying individual to encounter on your express ride home.

Case in point: it was the first night of the switch to the new monthly train passes. So, me being a mindless fuck, forgot my train pass at home, because I received it in the mail on the 25th of the month before and immediately put it in my desk drawer because the next month was so far away. So long story short, I did not have my new monthly pass on me. But i did HAVE it…somewhere. Just not ON ME. So I thought I would logically explain my position to the conductor before my trip and hope he would understand. The conversation was:

“I have my new April pass, but I don’t have it on me. Do I need to go buy a ticket?” Basically telling him I am a monthly rider and forgot my ticket, and asking if he was going to be a dick. He responded.

“Yes. You should.”

Not a shred of giving a fuck exhibited by this guy.

I’m in the goddamn system dude! My pass has my name on it. Look it up. Except the system used to track tickets is the same as it was back when neanderthals were rubbing sticks together to start fires. Bullshit.

If you see this guy manning your train. I implore you to fuck with him. Relentlessly. He pretty much deserves it.

I showed you my pass, and now you have to click the ticket as you should. However, do you have to clip that shit all over me and almost into my coffee. Pretty soon you will be replaced entirely by security cameras and automated announcements. It’s a matter of time. However, during the meantime stop it with the incessant clipping of paperholes on a useless ticket.

Maybe you get pension quick or something, but I do not envy train conductors on public transportation. There’s gotta be something in it for them. They deal with insufferable assholes, and take every bit of flack people toss their way. It’s no wonder they’re all so goddamn miserable. The job must make ‘em that way.