Commuter Contempt

Flying is a necessary evil. No one REALLY likes to fly. Unless you are a child and it’s your first time. Or you have dreamed your whole life that you should die in a plane crash. Other than that, no one wants to step foot on a metal canister to fly through the sky like humans were never intended to do. And then this shit happens.

Travelers on at least four planes were stranded on the tarmac of an airport in Connecticut for more than seven hours Saturday leaving some without food, water or working toilets.

The planes ran out of snacks and bottled water midway through the long delay, according to reports. There also was no running water for the bathrooms, rendering them unusable.

Holy shit, what I wouldn’t have given to have had access to a webcam to watch shit go down on that plane. I can totally see this turning into Lord Of The Flies real fucking fast. Flight attendants must have been ready to impale themselves on some plastic cutlery halfway through. If there are two things people need as a necessity for happiness, it’s working toilet and peanuts. You lose one of those, and you’re looking at a long afternoon. You lose both of them well, you better pull the emergency chute that that guy a couple years back, grab a six pack and head for the hills.

Way to go Jet Blue, and the entire airline industry. What a shitshow.

Straight from the daily what:

This Is All Kinds Of Wrong of the Day: A Muslim woman has filed a discrimination lawsuit against Southwest Airlines for allegedly removing her from a San Jose-bound flight after she told a Verizon representative on the phone “I’ve got to go.”

Huh? Read on:

Irum Abbassi, who was “readily identifiable as Muslim by what she wore,” wrote in her complaint that a flight attendant thought she heard her say “it’s a go,” and called security to escort Abbassi off the plane.

Once deplaned, a TSA agent quickly determined that Abbassi did not pose a risk and allowed her to re-board. Except that she couldn’t: The captain reportedly barred her re-entry, claiming crew members were “uncomfortable” with her presence.

Abbassi is suing for punitive damages.

It’s not about being greedy. It’s about, that’s how many armrests there are on the plane. Everyone gets one, you dumb fuck who can’t arrange his flight so he doesn’t get stuck in the middle. You do get at LEAST one, and yes, you can lobby for two. But aren’t YOU the one being greedy now? Sorry you have to sit in the middle the entire flight, but Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up about it. You probably make it a point to ruin others’ flights because yours sucks giant donkey scholng. Fuck you, I say. Fuck you real good. Ah, ooh, push it.

Saw this on Barstool yesterday. How the fuck can’t you look at this picture and be like, I’m fucking racist.

I’m sure he’s a great guy, really. Probably a champ at his local karaoke bar and everything. But he wears a fucking turban, and works for airport security. That’d be like a Rabbi wearing a nazi uniform to synagogue. Amirite? Perhaps there’s some sort of executive action when it comes to this shit. The TSA might be forced to hire a certain amount of diaperheads to meet some kooky quota. And in the meantime, the pussification of America marches on… Or maybe he is like one of those computer hackers that got caught, and now works for the CIA.

The thing I’d really like to point out is, the fucking turban doesn’t even match the uniform! There’s not ONE BIT of yellow in his uni. Dude should be dismissed on that violation alone. The fact that he blatantly disregards color coordination is the true crime here. And do you think he has like a whole slew of different colors hanging in his closet? Do they make them in various patterns as well? Why not chop your hair off? Why don’t you look in the mirror and decide this looks ridiculous? The list of questions could go on forever.

First of all, holy shit she looks horrible for 23, right? Already had a stroke and everything.

But seriously, how annoying must those po-po’s job be? Dealing with insubordinate fuckheads must just be the worst. But what could this, presumably sweet, old broad have done to deserve getting kicked off the plane. I’m guessing it was the dog or something. However, who really gives a shit, who gives a fuck.

She was ready to straight up brawl. It was go-time in Pearl’s (old lady from Diff’rent Strokes…amirite??) mind. But where did this 20 foot rule come from? What prison was that shit. Inmates must’ve been escaping all the time.

Every once in a while a gem of a story makes its way into the press. Well, here is one for ya.

A drunk Jetstar passenger just couldn’t seem to make it to the lavatory, instead using the airplane aisle to relieve himself. And, he got off with only a warning.

The New Zealand man was on a flight from Auckland to Singapore Monday, and had been seen by passengers before the flight drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.

How many awesome stories have started out with “…drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.”  Normally a story of being locked up abroad, or locking up with a fat broad comes next. Although the latter may or may not have happened later on.

Six hours into the eleven-hour flight, he then proceeded to let loose in the aisle – urinating on the carpet, a man’s leg and a woman’s scarf, reports the New Zealand Herald.

“I hear this sound of running water and then I hear a guy going ‘No, no, no, what the hell is wrong with you?’ passenger Amos Chapple told the paper. “And there’s this guy pissing in the aisle, waving back and forth.”

You have no idea the amount of money I would have paid to see the look on this woman’s face whilst a drunk dude pisses all over, of all the fucking things, her scarf. For her sake, I hope it wasn’t around her neck.

Wipes were provided for the sprayed man, who was moved, but the woman with the wet scarf had to ask repeatedly for a plastic bag.

Why the giant fuck would you want to keep a scarf after another human being PISSED all over it. It must have been ridiculously expensive.

The sprayer, on the other hand, got off a bit easier. He was given a warning from the captain and sent to his seat to sleep it off. Apparently, according to Chapple, when he confronted the man in Singapore he was clueless about the incident.

The guy more than likely woke up thinking, “Holy shit I just had fucked up dream.” Then the realization that it was NOT a dream swept over him like a hit of salvia. Not. Fucking. Good.

Via Jalopnik:

Picking up strangers while traveling can be thrilling, but in the 21st century United States, there’s no worse pickup line than “Have you ever wondered if someone could get something on the plane they weren’t supposed to?” Meet that guy.

Last Friday, after a day of delays and five Jack-and-Cokes, one Bryan Sisco boarded the Delta flight from Dallas to Atlanta at 9:45. Sisco, 40, told the Memphis Commercial Appeal he just decided to sit down in a random seat. When Danielle Valimont, 23, happened to sit next to him, the recently divorced Sisco decided to flirt with her, offering her chocolate, and telling her he was an architect and a flight marshal. When the flight attendant and another passenger tried to claim the seat, Sisco said he and the woman were newlyweds. By the way, those Jack-and-Cokes? Doubles.

“We were talking, sharing M&Ms, eating chocolate, having a good time,” he said. “I fabricated some truths about myself. … I thought we were getting along pretty good.”

Valimont tells it a little differently, saying on her blog that Sisco was “jittery” when she sat down and within a couple of minutes, she texted “I’m sitting beside a crazy man.” Things only got more romantic from there:

“Have you ever wondered if someone could get something on the plane they weren’t supposed to?” he said. My heart dropped…”I’m sure its possible…” I replied. “It is…”

He opened his book bag and brought out a silver metal torch-like item and put it near my leg. He clicked a button and a 4-6 inch blue flame shot out … I acted as if it was no big deal, though my heart was racing.

“That’s cool- what else do you have?” I said. He opened his bag and pulled out an item that looked similar to the end of a headset and told me it was like a tazor and could cause temporary paralysis…

And when the woman picked up the cylinder Sisco was carrying that he had said was architectural drawings, “he said it was a canister filled with gas strong enough to make everyone on the plane pass out.” When she said she didn’t believe him and went to open the cylinder, “he freaked out and told me to stop.”

So Valimont, now believing she was sitting next to the muscular, armed Texas version of the Underwear Bomber, played it cool. She kept Sisco talking, then made an excuse to use the bathroom. While there, she typed a note to flight attendants on her phone: “If the guy in 20D is a Marshall disregard this msg. He has a torch that he lit and showed me. And he said his canister has a gas device that will make everyone on the plane pass out if there is danger. He also has a device that says is like a tazor. I will go sit back down. Do what you need to.”

The flight attendants did what they needed to — having the pilot divert the plane to Memphis for an emergency landing, get police on board dressed as paramedics and escort Sisco, who didn’t realize what was going on until he was on the ground — into custody.

Sisco spent four days in custody, including two strip searches. He’s banned from Delta for life, and has regained some of the common sense washed away in Dallas: “It was stupid of me. I’m a dumbass.”

Do chicks really think acting like a terrorist is hot? Answer: No. You fucking moron.

This guy is an asshole himself, complaining about other assholes. Basically, he’s like a brother I’ve never met.

Dear Mr. Parker: 

I recently flew US Airways from Portland, to Minneapolis and sat in row 33 seat a. As an airline executive, I’m quite sure you never had to sit in row 33 on this airplane. Let me explain why row 33 shouldn’t cost $550 for the round trip:

Row 33 is the very last row. It’s differs from the other rows in that it is directly in front of the bathrooms. I noted my experience on a US Airways napkin so I could convey it accurately in this letter.

8:45pm – Overweight man in khaki shorts enters bathroom.

8:48pm- Overweight man in Khaki shorts exits bathroom, bathroom and row 33 smells like feces for appx. 7 min.

8:55pm smell of feces leaves row 33.

appx. 9:20pm- Drift off to sleep.

9:37pm- Wake up to the smell of human feces, open eyes, see large woman walking away wearing flower pattern blouse.

9:38pm- Exchange sympathetic/disgusted glances with other passengers in row 33.

10:04pm- Tall man with green golf shirt enters bathroom. 

10:07pm- Tall man with green golf shirt exits bathroom.

10:07pm- Bathroom and row 33 smell like bacon, stale bread and human feces.

10:08pm-Have conversation with gentleman in row 33 seat b that I need to write the airlines a letter about discounting row 33.

I have always respected and admired Rosa Parks. And I could not stop thinking about her on this flight. As of today, I too, like Rosa Parks, refuse to sit in the back of (in this case) the airplane. 

My argument as to why these seats should be discounted:

1) plane was booked, I could not switch seats.

2) I was not told the seats were nearest to the bathrooms, and that I would be tortured for 4 hours.

3) The seat cost $550. This is entirely too expensive for a domestic flight that forces you to smell human excrement.

The scent of another human’s feces is where you have to draw the line. Sure, i’ll sit and eat my own cooking for days, but when it’s someone else’s, that’s almost illegal. They can make the toilets suck the wrinkles out of Hugh Hefner’s face, but can’t figure out how to make it so the poop smell doesn’t invade the cabin. I’m sure that has to do with rising gas prices?

it’s nothing new anymore. Security at airports has been dramatically increased, there are now x-ray scanners, and if you don’t want some complete stranger to see you “virtually” naked, well, then you get your ass rubbed down.

Via The Post:

“If I had been physically attacked, this would have been a very, very similar experience,” said Nancy Campbell, 33, an urban planner who said she was traumatized by a touchy-feely female TSA agent before her flight to Washington Tuesday.

Campbell had already cleared security and was approaching the gate when the young agent stopped her, told her to drop her stuff and demanded she stand spread-eagled.

Brooklynite Nancy Campbell claims her search was like a physical attack.

As passers-by gawked, the TSA agent patted Campbell down, touching her breasts, inner thighs and crotch, the freaked-out flier told The Post.

When she protested, the agent said, “You can either continue on flailing about, or you can let me do my job. If you don’t, you can’t fly.”

You call it assault, I call it safety. I can go on continuing to fly knowing these people truly care about our well being.

So what? You got checked twice. Save it. Maybe it was in poor form, but the woman was just doing her job. You don’t like it, get a Greyhound ticket. If I’m flying and the security agent gropes me more than once, I’m taking it as a compliment. Sure, I might not enjoy it, but his reasons for doing so are all positive. Either I’m his cup of tea, he really likes safety, or he thought I might be concealing something large in my pants (which I am). But I would just get through it, grab my shit, and fly the fuck away.

A day after the big blizzard socked the city with over 20 inches of snow, both Kennedy and Newark airports are set to reopen at 6 p.m., officials said.

Kennedy Airport was closed at 8 p.m. Sunday after thousands of flights had been canceled throughout the day. Newark closed just after 10 p.m.

LaGuardia Airport, the smallest of the three major New York City airports, remained closed indefinitely.

Both of these airports are humongous piles of shitty airports. Blessing in disguise? Not if you have to get anywhere I suppose.