Commuter Contempt

- Train Conductor aboard the Metronorth line in NY in regards to a rider not being able to find their ticket.

I know conductors have probably heard every single line in the book. “Oh man, I JUST had my ticket,” “Someone must’ve stolen it.” or “You don’t know me! Fuck you!”

So I normally feel for them. But yesterday I witnessed first hand a conductor just jumping ugly without proper provocation.

The rider was like, “I’m looking for my ticket. I did just have it. I’m not trying to pull anything over on you.” To which the conductor just says, like a dick, “Find it.” That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. And it was said in a less than pleasant manner. Like, jeez, thanks for the awesome advice Mr. Conductor man. What a great idea! Maybe I should just find it!

End of the story the conductor came back, the gentleman was unable to locate his ticket and paid $20 for an onboard one-way.

I will give the conductor this. He did apologize afterwards. But only after quoting the ticket price as $7,258…

How this makeshift motorcycle band stage even moves is beyond me. But what gets me is that I kind of like the fucking music. Now, I know I’ve been known to listen to some shit crap music sometimes, this, is not total shit crap. These boys have a future. A future that doesn’t involve driving on a highway with no seat belts…or car. And why the fuck are the cymbals not crashing the fuck over? Are they not driving that fast? Is this fake? Fuck no. This is Russia.

It took me a minute to figure it out. I’m slow as a tractor on turtle speed sometimes.

Because you’re pissing a whole bunch of people of. These people are getting on a crowded trian and are thinking they see an open seat, but guess what, it’s just you all crouched down like a hidden dragon. Personally, I don’t really give a fuck. I’ve been watching person after person walk up to your seat, thinking to themselves they’ve gotten really freaking lucky. It is entertaining in an unentertaining environment.

Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on my window. I roll down the window and ask, “What’s going on?” he says “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” I ask. The man replies, “About a gallon.”

Who is Rob? Who gives a fuck. Funny shit in public like this is great. Rob’s hand must be so full of germs as a result, but look at his face, he’s happy as a pig in poop.

And if you’ll notice the people on the left side of the escalator are WALKING. That’s how you do it. You don’t stand on the left, you walk. Escalator 101 type shit.

First of all, the dude in the white hat MUST be on roids. And if he is, he should start lifting weights too because he aint getting yolked up at all. You’re just getting the rage - not a good look.

Rule #1 of line cutting, you must be willing to be a dick to the very end. If you’re going to start out being a dick, when someone confronts you, you need to stand your asshole ground. Not let some frat fuck throw you, and literally drag you, around the fucking port authority station, just hoping he doesn’t punch you. You give line cutters a bad name. But seriously, don’t cut lines. Wait your turn like a decent human being. Everyone is in the same situation. Tom Petty was right when he said, “…only the strong survive.” Oh wait, he said, “waiting is the hardest part.” Actually the penis is the hardest part Tom. The penis is.

Mass transit can make people, who otherwise would waddle, actually giddyup and run. When a train is run on a tight schedule, and your fat ass is running late, well guess what, you’re fat ass is now running. And it’s nothing short of hysterical. Watching your bag bounce off your oversized hips, as your muffin tops are exposed to the elements because you refuse to buy a new, larger, shirt. I fucking love it. Please don’t stop eating fried chicken on the subway, smoking as you walk, and living an overall disgusting life.

A dude in a suit with some wacky fucking socks. It’s like a clown in business clothing. I couldn’t believe it. Nothing should surprise me anymore.