Commuter Contempt

You know they’re gross. But you never really thought about it. You never thought about just how disgusting they are. Well, here’s your answer, they are the nastiest thing you touch, on your way to work.

Gas pump handles turned out to be the filthiest surface that Americans encounter on the way to work, according to a study released on Tuesday by Kimberly-Clark Professional, a unit of personal hygiene giant Kimberly-Clark Corp.

A team of hygienists swabbed hundreds of surfaces around six U.S. cities to see what everyday objects are breeding grounds for the worst bacteria and viruses.

The top offenders, following gas pumps, were handles on public mailboxes, escalator rails and ATM buttons.

Closely following on the filthiest list were parking meters and kiosks, crosswalk buttons and buttons on vending machines in shopping malls.

“It comes down to the fact that nobody cleans the things that you’re going to touch on a daily basis,” said Dr. Kelly Arehart, program leader of Kimberly-Clark’s Healthy Workplace Project.

It’s shit like this that makes me not want to leave the house. Ever.

I’m not a germaphobe, but I completely understand them. EVERY time I take money out of the ATM, every time I fill up my car, I DO think about just how filthy these objects are. Germs can’t die fast enough in between people touching them.

I’d also like to add to the list the following:

• Train door handles
• Anything on a subway

Fuck this germy world. I’m buying a 12-pack of Isotoners and wearing them 24/7. No joke. The ones with the grips so I don’t drop my beer.

I personally wouldn’t sit, let alone lay, on the ground of the MTA train. I don’t even like walking in the house with my shoes on after riding the iron horse. But this guy. This guy has less than zero shame. Or any sense of how germs transfer surfaces. But whatever. I’m sure the book was a good read. Good enough where you  HAVE to lay down to enjoy it. Play on playa.

It was barbecued by Gawker, but I’m thinking it might be a breakthrough of sorts. Those rails, are fucking dirty. I don’t care if you immediately go home and wash your hands, those germs are on you. And if not on you, then on your keys, your doorknob, and chances are your cell phone. That shit be living a long time on your person.

You could also use the Metro Mitt (A++ for branding btw) to pick up dog, or homeless peoples’, shit. Then all you have to do is invert the glove and throw that shit out. I might just wear these every time I leave the house. Fuck it. And when I say it, I mean germs. I will go full phobe on these fucking things. Plastic can kill the Earth all it wants, if I don’t have to unknowingly place my hand in the same spot the booger-picking, bhole wiping, hepatitis possessing motherfuckers put theirs.

Make fun of me too, you motherfucker. I will not give any sort of fuck right to your face. Hell, I might just start slapping you with my Metro Mitt and let you have your germs back. I’d be fine with wearing a Class A Radiation Suit on the underground if the prices were reasonable.

Pick a hand to sneeze into on public transportation. Don’t first sneeze in the left, and then contaminate the second hand with your sequel sneeze. That means that everything you touch has germs on it. Nasty nasty. At least Purell your paws if you are going to use this ambidextrous expulsion of air catch.