Commuter Contempt

I just kept waiting for an I-beam or something to just take his ass out. Seriously, just waiting. Unfortunately, I was greatly disappointed.

Getting arrested because you parked in a handicap spot, only because you CALLED THE POLICE ON YOURSELF?

OR

Crying like a little girl in a mugshot, only because you CALLED THE POLICE ON YOURSELF?

SHELTON — A city man was arrested early Thursday after police say he illegally parked in a handicap-designated space, then called police to report what he had done.

Michael Andes, 29, of Howe Avenue, was charged with second-degree breach of peace and interfering with a police officer.

Police received a call around 2 a.m. Thursday from a man who said that he “purposely parked his vehicle” near 219 Howe Ave. in the handicap spot and added he doesn’t have a handicap permit, according to Lt. Robert Kozlowsky, police spokesman.

After police arrived on the scene and found the vehicle, Andes came up to them, yelling and screaming that the police “aren’t doing their job,” Kozlowsky said.

“Officers attempted to detain him, but he pulled away and took an aggressive stance at the officers,” he added.

Andes was warned to comply with the demands from the officers, but he refused, Kozlowsky said.

“He was subsequently Tased and placed under arrest,” he added.

Hold up! New question. OR getting tased only because you CALLED THE POLICE ON YOURSELF? I see a three-way tie here folks.

Moral of the story here, never CALL THE POLICE ON YOURSELF! It’s why you do illegal stuff. So the popos don’t find out. It’s half the fun. Why go and spoil it by called the cops and then attempting to point out they aren’t doing their jobs. Not a good strategy boy. Better hit that whiteboard like the UPS douche with long hair once again.

Seriously, they are RIGHT THERE at your finger tips. A simple flip up or down and it goes on. So, why not fucking use them you ass? I’m sitting here guessing whether you’re just slowing down to a near stop, or taking a turn. The reason I didn’t know what you were doing was because you didn’t use the easiest amenity available in your car.

I’m running a bit late, it’s wet, and the light has turned yellow with definitely not enough time for me to successfully make it through at the speed I’m going. The options seem pretty straight forward don’t they? Either:

1. Gas it the fuck up in an attempt to blow a really yellow light, or a slightly red one.
2. Slow down safely and come to a complete stop.

Obviously I should go with the second option, as dictated by any driver’s training course. But me being me, I decide to continue at the same speed I’m currently going hoping the yellow light is like 15 seconds long. Then all of a sudden when it’s red, I begin thinging “wtf am I doing??” and violently slam on my brakes. So my car now slides, loudly, to a complete stop…directly in the middle of the intersection. Now I have a couple addition options, but say “fuck ‘em all” and drive through the red light I’m sitting under. Thank baby Jesus there were no po-po’s anywhere nearby.

Via Jalopnik:

Picking up strangers while traveling can be thrilling, but in the 21st century United States, there’s no worse pickup line than “Have you ever wondered if someone could get something on the plane they weren’t supposed to?” Meet that guy.

Last Friday, after a day of delays and five Jack-and-Cokes, one Bryan Sisco boarded the Delta flight from Dallas to Atlanta at 9:45. Sisco, 40, told the Memphis Commercial Appeal he just decided to sit down in a random seat. When Danielle Valimont, 23, happened to sit next to him, the recently divorced Sisco decided to flirt with her, offering her chocolate, and telling her he was an architect and a flight marshal. When the flight attendant and another passenger tried to claim the seat, Sisco said he and the woman were newlyweds. By the way, those Jack-and-Cokes? Doubles.

“We were talking, sharing M&Ms, eating chocolate, having a good time,” he said. “I fabricated some truths about myself. … I thought we were getting along pretty good.”

Valimont tells it a little differently, saying on her blog that Sisco was “jittery” when she sat down and within a couple of minutes, she texted “I’m sitting beside a crazy man.” Things only got more romantic from there:

“Have you ever wondered if someone could get something on the plane they weren’t supposed to?” he said. My heart dropped…”I’m sure its possible…” I replied. “It is…”

He opened his book bag and brought out a silver metal torch-like item and put it near my leg. He clicked a button and a 4-6 inch blue flame shot out … I acted as if it was no big deal, though my heart was racing.

“That’s cool- what else do you have?” I said. He opened his bag and pulled out an item that looked similar to the end of a headset and told me it was like a tazor and could cause temporary paralysis…

And when the woman picked up the cylinder Sisco was carrying that he had said was architectural drawings, “he said it was a canister filled with gas strong enough to make everyone on the plane pass out.” When she said she didn’t believe him and went to open the cylinder, “he freaked out and told me to stop.”

So Valimont, now believing she was sitting next to the muscular, armed Texas version of the Underwear Bomber, played it cool. She kept Sisco talking, then made an excuse to use the bathroom. While there, she typed a note to flight attendants on her phone: “If the guy in 20D is a Marshall disregard this msg. He has a torch that he lit and showed me. And he said his canister has a gas device that will make everyone on the plane pass out if there is danger. He also has a device that says is like a tazor. I will go sit back down. Do what you need to.”

The flight attendants did what they needed to — having the pilot divert the plane to Memphis for an emergency landing, get police on board dressed as paramedics and escort Sisco, who didn’t realize what was going on until he was on the ground — into custody.

Sisco spent four days in custody, including two strip searches. He’s banned from Delta for life, and has regained some of the common sense washed away in Dallas: “It was stupid of me. I’m a dumbass.”

Do chicks really think acting like a terrorist is hot? Answer: No. You fucking moron.

Homeboy is pissed! And I would be too. His seating companion is sporting manmel toe. It’s disgusting. Ther eis no reason it should be downhill form here. This dude looks like he farts in his sleep, and cups them while sticking his finger in his b-hole. Look at him. Dude with a penguin on his shirt is screwed.

So you’ve crashed your car. That fucking sucks. But if your front tire is facing the complete wrong direction, it’s pretty much useless to try and drive, you douche.

Via Motor Authority:

We don’t have complete details on this one but it’s believed the driver of this recently bought Porsche 911 GT3 RS suffered a crash, and then attempted to drive the wrecked car home. This in turn led to the much more severe damage you see here, namely, the cracked front axle.

You know his pride made him do that. He couldn’t let the fact that he, most likely while driving like your typical dick with a Porsche, crashed his shit. He was like a hurt puppy. Just wanted to run and hide with his wittle Porsche. Sweet red rims btw.

Which means, OF COURSE, I forgot my monthly ticket at home sitting in my desk drawer.

The thing arrives on March 25th, which is way too early for my dumb ass to remember to grab it on the 1st, ans also way too early where I think another piece of paper in my wallet is going to be way too much for me to handle and I’m sure I will remember it for the beginning of next month in 6 days.

Bottom line - I am a giant fucking asshole.

I’m fine for the ride in, when they take your last month’s ticket, but I know the usual miserable fuck train conductor on my ride home will be a giant turd. Really looking forward to that. My name is in their database, look it the fuck up.

Via NBC New York:

The boa constrictornamed Penelope, which escaped from its owner on the train more than a month ago, was found Thursday in an adjoining car, The Associated Press reported. A commuter spotted the serpent snake and notified a train attendant at a Red Line station. Transit authority officials took the train out of service, and hours later, train attendant Sharon Lynch, who owns a snake of her own, caught the snake.

Penelope’s owner, Melissa Moorhouse, 30, said she had the snake around her neck when it got away on Jan. 6. At that time, passengers were evacuated from the plaform as workers searched in vain for the snake.

Why, God, Why can you not let some poetic justice flow from your vengeful paws and make this snake choke its owner? If for anything, just owning a snake. Is there a more useless pet than owning a snake? It can’t do anything. except maybe kill you if it wanted to. When you get home from work after a long day, does little Penelope come and great you? No. Why? Because it’s a retarded pet.

More than someone owning a dumb pet, I’m amazed that the little fucker managed to survive without being spotted “in an adjoining car” for all that time. I know New Yorkers have an uncanny ability for turning a blind eye to shit, but you have to think a serpent roaming the train might draw attention.

Hey dude - if you are going to put your bag in the overhead compartment, make sure it’s closed and standing upright. Otherwise your laptop will come flying out and narrowly miss someone’s head - as it just did. Word to the wise.

A truck flipped over. Yeah, that’s not a shock. But in the drive thru line of McDonald’s?! W.T.F.??

This fat fuck need 1,500 calories STAT. Or a toothless truckstop hooker must have been takin’ it to him.

If that guy is the driver, I’m guessing he must be thinking something along the lines of, “…..what the fuck do I do now?…..”