Commuter Contempt

Seriously. Is it just me? Am I making all this up? Every single time I look up, you’re looking at me. There’s only two kinds of dudes who would stare like this. Dudes who want to fight, or dudes who want to wrestle…naked. And believe me, you aint gettin’ none of this sweet love juice.

Keep your eyes to yourself. Even if you’re not looking at ME, look at something different for fuck sake. It’s good for your eyes to move them around a little bit.

Because it just seems people flock to the middle seat next to me on a 3seater. Now, I know I’m all sorts of cool and shit, but seriously, I fucking despise people. Especially people I don’t know. And keep your fucking feet and arms inside the ride at all times - stop elbowing me, will ya?

Every once in a while a gem of a story makes its way into the press. Well, here is one for ya.

A drunk Jetstar passenger just couldn’t seem to make it to the lavatory, instead using the airplane aisle to relieve himself. And, he got off with only a warning.

The New Zealand man was on a flight from Auckland to Singapore Monday, and had been seen by passengers before the flight drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.

How many awesome stories have started out with “…drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.”  Normally a story of being locked up abroad, or locking up with a fat broad comes next. Although the latter may or may not have happened later on.

Six hours into the eleven-hour flight, he then proceeded to let loose in the aisle – urinating on the carpet, a man’s leg and a woman’s scarf, reports the New Zealand Herald.

“I hear this sound of running water and then I hear a guy going ‘No, no, no, what the hell is wrong with you?’ passenger Amos Chapple told the paper. “And there’s this guy pissing in the aisle, waving back and forth.”

You have no idea the amount of money I would have paid to see the look on this woman’s face whilst a drunk dude pisses all over, of all the fucking things, her scarf. For her sake, I hope it wasn’t around her neck.

Wipes were provided for the sprayed man, who was moved, but the woman with the wet scarf had to ask repeatedly for a plastic bag.

Why the giant fuck would you want to keep a scarf after another human being PISSED all over it. It must have been ridiculously expensive.

The sprayer, on the other hand, got off a bit easier. He was given a warning from the captain and sent to his seat to sleep it off. Apparently, according to Chapple, when he confronted the man in Singapore he was clueless about the incident.

The guy more than likely woke up thinking, “Holy shit I just had fucked up dream.” Then the realization that it was NOT a dream swept over him like a hit of salvia. Not. Fucking. Good.

I’m late to board a train. I’m an asshole, I know. So I decide to walk down the line and find a random seat for me slightly buzzed asshole. Then I see it.

A slightly obese man, eating what appears to be a croissant, with other random food items on the middle of the seat. I don’t care. I’m going for it. I ask this dude if the seat is taken.

What? This seat? No.

He was shocked I even asked. He was probably more even surprised that no one sat next to him yet. So what if he has baby blue socks on, an overly sized gut, and has croissant crumbs all over his shirt. I don’t.

The seat wasn’t taken. And my ass got a damn seat. Eat it bitches.

You are running around the train platform like a moth flittering in front of a lamp. If you are going to be so lost, why do it so fast?! Take a moment and catch your breath, grab a map, or take a Xanax. Puhlease.

There are three seats in this row.  Me sitting at the end.  And you coming and sitting in the middle seat.  Apparently you are not familiar with “personal space” or anything like that.  I am trying to push out a fart as revenge, but to no avail. You win this time.