Commuter Contempt

Seriously, I’d fork over $20 for both right now. Holy shit I’m so fucking tired. Everything I’ve done during this hungover morning has been with the goal of getting on the train and falling asleep. No fucks will be given by me as to whether I’m snoring or farting. Fuck the world, I’m tired.

First of all, holy shit she looks horrible for 23, right? Already had a stroke and everything.

But seriously, how annoying must those po-po’s job be? Dealing with insubordinate fuckheads must just be the worst. But what could this, presumably sweet, old broad have done to deserve getting kicked off the plane. I’m guessing it was the dog or something. However, who really gives a shit, who gives a fuck.

She was ready to straight up brawl. It was go-time in Pearl’s (old lady from Diff’rent Strokes…amirite??) mind. But where did this 20 foot rule come from? What prison was that shit. Inmates must’ve been escaping all the time.

Every once in a while a gem of a story makes its way into the press. Well, here is one for ya.

A drunk Jetstar passenger just couldn’t seem to make it to the lavatory, instead using the airplane aisle to relieve himself. And, he got off with only a warning.

The New Zealand man was on a flight from Auckland to Singapore Monday, and had been seen by passengers before the flight drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.

How many awesome stories have started out with “…drinking whiskey with friends out of Burger King cups.”  Normally a story of being locked up abroad, or locking up with a fat broad comes next. Although the latter may or may not have happened later on.

Six hours into the eleven-hour flight, he then proceeded to let loose in the aisle – urinating on the carpet, a man’s leg and a woman’s scarf, reports the New Zealand Herald.

“I hear this sound of running water and then I hear a guy going ‘No, no, no, what the hell is wrong with you?’ passenger Amos Chapple told the paper. “And there’s this guy pissing in the aisle, waving back and forth.”

You have no idea the amount of money I would have paid to see the look on this woman’s face whilst a drunk dude pisses all over, of all the fucking things, her scarf. For her sake, I hope it wasn’t around her neck.

Wipes were provided for the sprayed man, who was moved, but the woman with the wet scarf had to ask repeatedly for a plastic bag.

Why the giant fuck would you want to keep a scarf after another human being PISSED all over it. It must have been ridiculously expensive.

The sprayer, on the other hand, got off a bit easier. He was given a warning from the captain and sent to his seat to sleep it off. Apparently, according to Chapple, when he confronted the man in Singapore he was clueless about the incident.

The guy more than likely woke up thinking, “Holy shit I just had fucked up dream.” Then the realization that it was NOT a dream swept over him like a hit of salvia. Not. Fucking. Good.

Homeboy is pissed! And I would be too. His seating companion is sporting manmel toe. It’s disgusting. Ther eis no reason it should be downhill form here. This dude looks like he farts in his sleep, and cups them while sticking his finger in his b-hole. Look at him. Dude with a penguin on his shirt is screwed.

This guy is an asshole himself, complaining about other assholes. Basically, he’s like a brother I’ve never met.

Dear Mr. Parker: 

I recently flew US Airways from Portland, to Minneapolis and sat in row 33 seat a. As an airline executive, I’m quite sure you never had to sit in row 33 on this airplane. Let me explain why row 33 shouldn’t cost $550 for the round trip:

Row 33 is the very last row. It’s differs from the other rows in that it is directly in front of the bathrooms. I noted my experience on a US Airways napkin so I could convey it accurately in this letter.

8:45pm – Overweight man in khaki shorts enters bathroom.

8:48pm- Overweight man in Khaki shorts exits bathroom, bathroom and row 33 smells like feces for appx. 7 min.

8:55pm smell of feces leaves row 33.

appx. 9:20pm- Drift off to sleep.

9:37pm- Wake up to the smell of human feces, open eyes, see large woman walking away wearing flower pattern blouse.

9:38pm- Exchange sympathetic/disgusted glances with other passengers in row 33.

10:04pm- Tall man with green golf shirt enters bathroom. 

10:07pm- Tall man with green golf shirt exits bathroom.

10:07pm- Bathroom and row 33 smell like bacon, stale bread and human feces.

10:08pm-Have conversation with gentleman in row 33 seat b that I need to write the airlines a letter about discounting row 33.

I have always respected and admired Rosa Parks. And I could not stop thinking about her on this flight. As of today, I too, like Rosa Parks, refuse to sit in the back of (in this case) the airplane. 

My argument as to why these seats should be discounted:

1) plane was booked, I could not switch seats.

2) I was not told the seats were nearest to the bathrooms, and that I would be tortured for 4 hours.

3) The seat cost $550. This is entirely too expensive for a domestic flight that forces you to smell human excrement.

The scent of another human’s feces is where you have to draw the line. Sure, i’ll sit and eat my own cooking for days, but when it’s someone else’s, that’s almost illegal. They can make the toilets suck the wrinkles out of Hugh Hefner’s face, but can’t figure out how to make it so the poop smell doesn’t invade the cabin. I’m sure that has to do with rising gas prices?