Commuter Contempt

It’s raining. Not pouring. There is no old man snoring anywhere. But there’s a train that normally stops at the end of the platform, where the covered stairs are conveniently located, chooses to stop further down. Not a life or death situation here, just a less than desirable, somewhat wet, longer walk. You cunt.

At least, I hope it’s only dog shit…

I really can’t believe fucking people sometimes. I just can’t. A dog clearly hatched a huge butt snake all over the platform, its owner did nothing about it, and some poor unsuspecting passerbys now have dog shit on the bottom of their shoes as they walk to work.

You know how if you run into the store, leaving your child in the car alone, child services will come and snatch yo baby? Well, we should do the same with dog owners. And it shouldn’t only be as extreme as a Mike Vick situation. If you don’t clean up after your dog, you should not be allowed to have one. Also, if your dog just barks and barks all the fucking time you should be deemed a giant dickhead, and your dog be taken away. Now don’t get me all wrong here. I LOVE dogs. it’s the fucking humans that are the problem.

I looked down. That’s all I did. All over the yellow line was chewed up fucking gum. Goddamn pigs. I’m talking literally inches from the tracks. They couldn’t even make it to spit over the side, if not in the garbage can. Think of all the shoes ruined because of these fucks. Assholes.

“Yo, myboys are gonna murder dem tonite yo!”

This is all I heard for a solid 10 minutes. Some fake ass Mavericks fan yapping about the game. And how his “boys” were just feeling out the other team to “ceck their swagger”. Sure. That’s what they were doing alright. That has to be the worst excuse for a loss I’ve ever heard. This is why the NFL (when they actually fucking play a season) is the best sport in the world. There’s no “peepin out swagger”. You play. to win. the. game.

Anyhoo, shut the fuck up will ya?

Listen here, you selfish prick. No one wants to smoke your cigarette with you. You can’t even be slightly considerate and stand to the back where no one is and smoke your nasty habit. you are gross, smell like an ashtray’s asshole and chances are you are completely miserable. Thank you for trying to drag us down with you. You fuck.

There are very few times you actually want to hear someone sing. Like this morning, for instance. Walking down the train platform belting out some shitty song, very shittily. Take your swag-ass lounge act shit back to your shower, where you belong, and drown yourself.

You are running around the train platform like a moth flittering in front of a lamp. If you are going to be so lost, why do it so fast?! Take a moment and catch your breath, grab a map, or take a Xanax. Puhlease.

Why are you all standing so fucking close to me? We are waiting for the train to arrive and you are all up on my shit. If I had a fart in the chamber, I’d blast.Lucky for you I don’t. I realize it’s cold, but warm your damn selves up people. I need my space. It’s not you it’s me. I promise.

Via BarstoolSports NYC:

If you ever drop your keys, wallet, or child on the ground of a subway platform, just throw them out. Totally not worth saving, after being exposed to the germs making their home on the ground. LOOK AT THAT PIC! That is what’s on the ground. Straight e. coli bro.

The poor sap that has to clean up that mess is a severely underpaid SOB. Like the janitor who sprinkles saw dust on vomit at the elementary school, only WAY worse.

A few things to note here. This guy MUST be shitfaced. But even in his blacked-out stupor, he managed to get his pants PAST his butthole, AND to not sit in it. And for that, he does not deserve a Sharpie cock drawing on his forehead.

It would probably improve your breathe. The reason you walk so slow down the street is because you are puffing on a goddamn chimney of a cigarette. You are disgusting. You disgust me. You probably live with your Mom. And you are probably very unhappy sexually. All of which I am not. Naturally. All because I do not smoke. You dick.

Hows about getting pinned between a subway and the platform? Yeah, you sit and traffic and fucking love it!

Per the NY Post:

Harrowing pictures show a subway rider’s agony as he stands crushed between a subway train and platform Friday night.

Michael Dion, 41, grimaced in terrible pain as the hydraulic platform extender drove into his midsection at the Union Square station — and he remained helplessly pinned there for nearly 30 minutes before workers managed to free him.

Rachel Ray makes entire meals in thirty minutes. Michael Dion was stuck IN BETWEEN A SUBWAY CAR AND HYDRAULIC PLATFORM for thirty minutes. That’s about, 30 minutes longer than I could have taken

Yesterday, Dion was clinging to life at Bellevue Hospital in the surgical intensive-care unit.

Friends and family visited him in the hospital, where he remained unconscious on a ventilator, holding onto a worn stuffed animal someone tucked under his arm.

Neither the visitors nor hospital staff would comment on his condition.

The poor fucking guy. Of all the times to go unconscious. He was AWAKE for every agonizing second of the ordeal.

Dion fell into the gap at 10 p.m. Friday night after the 4 train pulled into the station, and he was trapped before workers were able to disengage the hydraulics and free him, witnesses said.

HOW?

“All those little ridges were in his stomach,” said witness Josh Betters, 22.

“He was screaming, and you could hear him over the people crowded around him. Somebody was holding his hand,” Betters said.

Believe it or not, this was the most intelligent of comments.

Another witness, Mike Day, 30, of The Bronx, said he was standing in the train by the doors when Dion fell down.

He said several people on the platform tried to help Dion, pushing the movable platform with their feet.

“One guy even tried to put a box in between to wedge it open. But he couldn’t move it,” said Day, who snapped these dramatic pictures as police tried to free Dion.

A box. A BOX. Unless you have rods of titanium in that box, don’t insult the poor guy by attempting to stop a hydraulic platform with, a BOX.

On the other hand, at least someone tried wedging something in these. This fucking Day character swept into swift paparazzi action. I feel bad enough taking pictures of deserving fuckheads in public, let alone some guy being snipped at the hip. And for that, we thank you Day.

“He kept saying it was hurting — he was conscious,” he said. “Every time they tried to pull him, he was like, ‘Stop, stop. It hurts too much.’ “

The train’s operator, Janice Carter, said that as soon as she brought the train to a stop, people started banging on her window and shouting that a man had been stuck.

“I secured my train and came out to investigate,” she said. “It was complete madness. People everywhere. I saw the man between the gap filler and the train. He was yelling.”

Investigate? HA! You drive a train DUDE. Were you going to dust for prints? People were YELLING AT YOU in your booth what the fuck was going on. Less investigating, more calling 9-1-1.

One transit worker at the scene said it took about 20 minutes before a contractor arrived and was able to climb into a platform manhole to work on the extender’s hydraulics. After about 10 more minutes, he removed a tube from the device, releasing air pressure so the victim could be freed by cops, sources said.

Take your fucking time there Jim-Bob. There’s only a man being cut in half. He was probably in the control room smacking his junk to old Gallery mags when the call came in. How jaded can you be, to take 20 FUCKING MINUTES!

Imagine the sigh of relief when those fucking hydraulics release. Followed IMMEDIATELY by the worst, most excruciating pain.

Firefighters arrived several minutes after that and removed the man, the MTA worker said.

According to IMDb.com, Dion has appeared in several small independent films.

Should we still feel bad?

In recent years, the MTA has made modifications at stations where there are larger-than-normal gaps between the platform and the train, particularly on the Long Island Rail Road. The Union Square station is one of only a handful of city subway stations that have the movable extenders.

The MTA would only say it was continuing to investigate the incident.

Hey, MTA - get the bitch driving the train to help you “investigate”. Old gumshoe there is champing at the bit.

Moral of the story? Mind the motherfucking gap.

I was slightly late. Not the kind of late that you know you have no chance of making it to the train on time. I had a good chance. Except for one thing. The world was against me.

First, it was the lights. Goddamn stop lights. They were programmed as such that when the light I was sitting at would turn green, the next light would turn red. And there was just not enough time to gas it through and barely blow a red light and just even things up. No. That was just not an option. The only option? Putting up with this hell that became reality.

Finally. I made it to the highway. My foot was firmly planted against the metal so there was no air between the carpet and the pedal. I was straight floating down the highway. Made it to my exit in record time. Nice! A green light…that turned red as I was getting off the exit!! You MOTHERFUCKER YOU. Waited again. I had 2 minutes before my train was to leave. If everything went according to plan I could make it with just enough time to see the train doors close behind me.

I flew through two lights, where I could easily have been ticketed for blowing. Fuck it. I was making this train.

I pulled into the parking lot, had my door already open so I could throw the car in park as I was jumping out. And this is what I did. Full on sprint now to the platform. I was booking it and no one was going to stop me. Across the street. Down the sidewalk. Up the stairs. And to the platform. Except one thing was missing. The train. It was on the other side of the tracks. You know, the tracks where I would have to run down the stairs, under the tracks, then up the stairs on the other side. I didn’t give a fuck at this point - I’m making that train. Out my way people I’m making that goddamn train. Down the stairs I went. Under the tracks. And then the train started moving. It was gone. I was standing DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH the very train I fought so hard to make. All for naught. No worries, right? The next train is only in…25 minutes!! D’oh!!!!

Back up the stairs from where I came originally i went. But wait. I turned out I could take a train in 5 minutes, where I would have to transfer halfway through the ride and get to my destination only 5 minutes before the train that was due in 25 minutes. Fuck it. Now I am making THAT train - the 6:31. Down the stairs, under the tracks, up the stairs. I’m now waiting. Where ARE you train?? Then I hear…

***BONG** Attention station passengers. The 6:31 train will be running 10-15 minutes late **BONG***

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Down the stairs, under the tracks, and up the stairs AGAIN. I’m waiting for the 6:46 and if anything goes awry, I’m working from home.

So I waited. The train made it to the station on time. I made it to work on time. Except I could have slept an extra 20 minutes and taken the 6:46 in the first place. But I know the stop lights would have acted up then. It was kizmet. I was meant to get fucked with.

I will never forget what a SHITTY morning I had. A morning from hell you could call it. But at least tonight I have the bar car on my ride home!

JUST FUCKING GREAT!  So now I have to walk TO YOU.  Can we not put a sign on the front of the fucking thing that tells us how many cars there are. Better yet, can you at least pull all the way down the platform? I know I am asking WAAAAY too much here.