Commuter Contempt

Can you feel me walking behind you? Do you realize that I want to pass your fucking ass because you’re walking way too slow on a sidewalk? I decide to go left around you, you go left. I hope you get creamed by a taxi.

Turns out there were many brilliant people before myself. Actually, there are only two of them http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rail+rage and the dates entered weren’t that long ago. I fucking hate most people on the train, yet am a giant pussy who will most likely never say a peep unless someone’s safety is in question. It’s at those moments where I like to think I would turn Chuck Norris on peoples. And only at those particular times. You would not like me when I’m angry.

Wall Street Journal came out with a bomb article. If you haven’t had a chance to review, it’s right here again. It deals with Sidewalk Rage - or as I call it “Walker’s Rage”. A very real epidemic sweeping the globe. Listen, I’m not only a commuter with contempt, I also suffer from severe Walker’s Rage. So I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I just…can’t…help it.

There are simple fucking ways to walk amongst your fellow human being that just work ok, learn them. It’s simple. If we are all going to exist in this world together, just blasting by each other, cutting each other off, and secretly enjoying when someone else rolls their ankle is not the way to be. Although it is the fun way to be.

So this WSJ article references a study where they actually quantified all these fuck heads that are among us. Responsibly, and ethically, they broke down the individuals who walk in the street as follows:

• Tourists
• Smokers
• Cellphone users
• Headphone listeners
• Large Pedestrians
• Men
• Women
• People with bags

I would like to translate:

• Tourists = annoying fuckheads clogging our walkways
• Smokers = disgusting smoke blowersinyourfacers
• Cellphone users = loud annoying obnoxious assholes
• Headphone listeners = iPods. Let’s be real, that’s what they’re connected to.
• Large Pedestrians = fatties. You know who you are.
• Men = the better gender
• Women = the best gender
• People with bags = it’s a literal metaphor

So where does everyone stack on the walking scale. In other words, who is more likely to piss me the fuck off?

Let’s first look at how many feet per second each manages.

Doesn’t look like much at first glance, but that shit adds up. Especially over blocks, and minutes. And for the record, I am the person with the headphones. And I cruise. And there is no way I only do 4.6 feet a second. Maybe when I’m slowing down to pass, sure, but I’m at least triple that. I got constant shin splints. It’s a small price to pay.

If you were to convert these meaningless feet per second into something everybody knows, it’s miles per hour. And here’s how that looks.

The only realistic number here is the fatties. Have you ever been on a treadmill before/after a workout and went 2.0 mph. You are damn near standing still. You actually gain weight going that slow. Something must be wrong here, or the sample walking universe they used are on heroin. If this were NYC figures, it’d be pushing 4-5 mph. Easy.

Okay, so let’s introduce a new figure. The “percentage below the average human being” barometer. The average human being was identified as walking 4.3 ft/sec. Follow the dotted line…

Lesson here, follow the dude with in iPod jammed in his earholes. That dude is set to cruise and has no interest in hearing people complain about him, hence the music cranked. So ride his coattails. And ride ‘em well. Godspeed!

Guns are for pussies. And shooting guns at people, are for bigger pussies. Like this giant vagina who shot his gun once. http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/2011/jan/25/man-shoots-car-during-chollas-view-road-rage-incid/. He must have accidentally squeezed the triggah jiggah!